Monday, January 25, 2010

Supremely Gangbanged

Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy and Alito just gangbanged you. Don't feel too special because they pulled a train on all of us. That's right, they bent us over the Constitution of the United States and rammed it home while demanding we say they their names.
What? You didn't notice? Didn't feel a thing? I'm not surprised. Everyone knows if you spend too much time shilling for the conservative right, your twig and berries start to shrink from misuse and shame. That's right, if you spend too much time talking right wing dogma, your dick takes a powder. Don't believe me? Watch golf tournaments.

That's right, golf tournaments. Marketing is all about getting the right message in front of the right demographic and if you watch enough golf, you'll see every ad for every erectile dysfunction drug made today. (Well, that and luxury car ads, but we all know that big fancy cars are nothing more than symbolic penis extenders so it's the same thing really.) Who watches golf? Rich, chubby white guys. How would you describe the likes of Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh?

I rest my case. Conservatism leads to little dick syndrome. It's all very scientific.

Anyway, these limp tiny dicks got aroused the only way they know how, by buggering the average Joe and trust me when I tell you, we all got fucked.

A couple of days ago, the court ruled in a 5-4 decision in favor of Citizens United in their suit against the Federal Election Commission. The Court found that corporate funding of independent political broadcasts in candidate elections cannot be limited, because doing so would be in noncompliance with the First Amendment.

What's that mean for you and me besides a sore bunghole? It means that as far as the court is concerned, corporations have the same right to free speech as a person. That's right, the court believes that the founding fathers intended for the inalienable right to free speech guarenteed to every person under the Constitution be extended to Exxon, GE, British Petroleum, AIG and Blue Cross Blue Shield. That right is so complete that those corporations can spend as much money as they want on television, radio and print ads to get their candidate of choice elected.

Nearly unlimited financial support for their candidate, their guy on the Hill or in the White House. And the middle class? Those of us who don't have unlimited funds? Oh, we can still shout and yell while staring Justice Thomas's shriveled member in its one eye, but how is anyone going to hear us while the corporations who got the conservatives elected who appointed and confirmed Justice Roberts and his gang of pin dicks are saturating the airwaves with their message of profits over people?

I don't think anyone who penned the phrase "We the people of the United States in order to form a more perfect union..." intended for the political discourse of our democracy to be dominated by the money of faceless, profit-driven corporations. But those same corporations have certainly gotten their money's worth so far, and now the few restraints on them have been lifted.

I hope you enjoyed your Supreme screwing, because now we're all buns up kneeling and there is nothing stop them from truly taking advantage of us now.

Supreme Court’s campaign ruling: a bad day for democracy

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Wow...I thought I was pushing it.

I said he was going to hell, this guy says he owns the place!

Pat Robertson Cartoon

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Pat Robertson will Rot in Hell

If you believe in hell and find yourself there after you pass, say a big "Howdy!" to Pat Robertson. This self-righteous, self-promoting false prophet just earned a fast pass for entrance on the Fire and Brimstone Roller Coaster in the Hades amusement park.

This jerk actually told the world that the reason the Haitian people had been struck by this terrible tragedy was because they had made a deal with the devil to throw the French out of the country decades ago. He even said, with a straight face, that the earthquake might be a blessing in disguise that will allow the Haitian’s to rebuild their country.

Seriously? When tornados ransack trailer parks full of southern white trash, is it because they made a deal with the devil to keep themselves awash is whiskey and ignorance? Is it an opportunity for those who are spared to build McMansions? Is it Pat?

The truth of the matter is, you aren’t a messenger of God, you are the face of a multi-billion dollar business and this provided you a perfect opportunity to appeal to the idiots who keep shucksters like you in business. It gave you a little of everything, didn’t it Pat. Black people, foreigners, and a calamity of biblical proportions were all you needed to make sure that the fanatics who have helped you get rich reach just a little deeper in their pockets.

You deal in fear and divisiveness. You are the merchant of the very values that Satan would find most admirable. And when the time comes for your great reward, I hope the Devil himself is the presenter.

If you want to see what Pat “Death Makes Me Richer” Robertson had to say, click here:

Video: Pat Robertson Says The Haitians made a deal with the devil

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Quick Hits: Now with Health Benefits

Birds do it, Bees do it -- No wonder they look so healthy!

According to Elizabeth Cohen, a health reporter for whom I have a lot of respect, sex is good for you.  In fact, having more sex is the New Year's Resolution you should make.  Women have less pronouced symptoms of menopause and lower risk for breast cancer, men live longer and have a lower risk of prostate cancer.  It also burns calories and is good for your heart.

So don't listen to those wack jobs who say sex is only for procreation.  It is actually an important part of any overall fitness plan.  I can just see it now, come to Bally's Fitness Center and Brothel! I see a lot of strained groins in their future.

CNN: Sex Health Benefits

New Blog to Follow!

I don't remember how I stumbled across Candice, but I'm glad I did.  In a word, she's funny.  And if you're anything like me, you need the funny now and then.  So swing over to her place and see the world through her eyes. Read about cat fights in the mall, corn cob fellatio and why letting your kids repeatedly injure themselves is actually a parenting technique.  On top of it all, she's a nurse so you can hear the occational moron patient story, the latest involving the gift that keeps on giving.  Stop by and say howdy to Candice, you'll be glad you did.  Tell her The T-Dude sent ya!

Life According to Candice

Turd Germs Invade Fountain Soda

Ewwww! A study found coliform bacteria in 48 percent of the sodas that were sampled. Turd germs in my cola?  Gross.  But that begs the question, how the hell did turd germs get in them in the first place?  What exactly are those fast food workers doing with those machines? Are they giving them rim jobs?  Are they washing them with toilet water?  Either way...I think I'll stick with bottled water.

Soda Machines Harbor Fecal Bacteria

Friday, January 01, 2010

Top Stories of 2010

The Intertubes are filled with lists this time of year, particularly since this is the end of the decade.  Top 100 this, top ten that.  But here at the T-Dude, we think those folks are all pussies.  That's right, pussies.  Anyone can throw together a list of things that have already happened.  But it takes a pair to put up a list of what is yet to come.  That's right, I, the T-Dude will now predict some of the top news events of 2010.

1) The Economy Continues to Sputter
Jobs continue to be the problem. The bailout did its job and stabilized the credit markets and saved the speculators and gambling houses (AIG and the like), but it did nothing to solve the basic problem of the U.S. economy.  We don't make anything anymore, including good middle class jobs. Weak job market and weak wages = weak demand which equals uneven economic growth in the short term. So get ready for another year of economic struggles for the average American.

2) Amy Winehouse Accidently Discovers Cancer Cure
The walking pharmacy that is Amy Winehouse lands in the hospital yet again, this time for overdosing on radioactive heroin, cocaine and embalming fluid.  While in the ICU, the precancerous mole on her cheek suddenly falls off and is discovered cowering in the corner of her room begging for mercy.  Further research discovers the strange combination of drugs the Winehouse was taking is actually a powerful skin cancer cure. But no one tells her and the doctors treating her make millions while she works feverishly to avoid both rehab and jail. 

3) Cubs Win World Series
Hang on....hahahahaha....heeeheeee....{gasp} ....oh man....I kill me sometimes.

4) Health Reform Passes, Nobody Happy (except the insurance industry)
There is no real public option, there is a mandate that everyone has to carry health insurance and the only downside for the insurance companies is that they no longer get to kick out the sick people with pre-existing conditions. But they just raise rates on the healthy folks and continue to pocket their outrageous profits for doing nothing other than being a middle man between you and your doctor.

5) Lindsay Lohan Overdoses
Okay, that isn't much of a prediction. But you have to let me have at least one gimme. She has already done the Marilyn Monroe look-a-like photo shoots, it's just a matter of time before she goes the full nine yards.

6) Twitter Declares Bankruptcy
After a meteoric rise, Twitter succumbs to the pressure from Facebook and other networking sites and closes its doors.  The once amazing networking tool couldn't compete with the accessibility and versatility of the new Internet enabled phones that gave Facebook and others a huge functionality advantage. 

7) Democrats Lose Seats in House, Senate
Let's face it, the economy is still sputtering, the Dems haven't exactly embodied the change they campaigned on, health care reform came in with a roar but passed as just a whimper of its initial promise. The D's are going to be given one of those message elections. Sen. Harry Reid in Nevada gets the boot as does Christopher Dodd in Connecticut. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand was appointed to Hillary Clinton's seat in New York so anything could happen in that race.

On the House side, I have no specific predictions yet, but the sliding approval rating of President Obama is an ominous sign for House Dems in mixed or right leaning districts.

If any of you, my fair readers, have any predictions of your own, put them in the comments section.  In the meantime, have a great 2010.  I know I'm looking forward to it.