Friday, October 19, 2012

Quick Hits: Now with Warm Puppies and Cold Bats

I'm Sorry, What Was That? 

Ms. Angela McCaskill, the chief diversity officer at Gallaudet, the nation's leading university for deaf and hard-of-hearing students, sure stepped in it when she signed a petition in support of putting Maryland's Gay Marriage law on the ballot this November. As a result of her signing, the university put her on administrative leave.

Regardless of her position on the issue, should an employer be allowed to punish an employee for participating in the democratic process?  I don't think so.  It may have been a stupid choice for a chief diversity officer to sign a petition that puts Maryland's gay marriage law at risk of being rescinded, but she has the right to an opinion.

The funny part is, she is getting support for her right to sign that petition from both sides of the issue.  The conservative Family Research Council as well as the pro-gay-marriage group Marylanders for Marriage Equality have both called for her reinstatement saying that she has the right to her opinion. Who can argue, isn't that what diversity is all about?

Yahoo News: Deaf university roiled by gay marriage controversy

Is That A Puppy In Your Pocket...?

Every winter, when I was a kid growing up in the wilds of Iowa, my parents would put an emergency kit in the trunk of the car.  For those who have never been to Iowa in the winter, it can be pretty dicey out on the roads in the middle of nowhere. Winds kick up, roads drift shut and you can quickly find yourself stranded in sub-zero temps with many hours (or even days) before you might be found.  It had a candle, some granola bars, a coffee can, blankets...that sort of thing. 

But as far as I can remember, the kit never contained puppies.  Apparently it should have: Yahoo News: Lost boy kept warm by puppies, officials say

Just Because You're Benched, Doesn't Mean You Aren't A Player

The New York Yankees' are paying Alex Rodriguez $275 million dollars to play baseball.  To put that in perspective, with that kind of cash he could cover the entire city budget for the town of Burlington, Iowa (pop. 25,564) for five years and still have over $10 million dollars leftover for himself.

Despite his gawdy career hitting numbers, ( BA: .300, HR: 647, RBI: 1950 ), he hit a slump of epic proportions in the playoffs this year and found himself riding the pine as the Yankees got handed their hats and sent home. But did that stop A-Rod from playing?  Hell no!  If he couldn't hit baseballs, he was certainly going to hit on chicks and that is exactly what he did, DURING THE GAME!

I guess he found the game as uninteresting as the rest of New York and decided to try and get the phone number of Australian bikini model and swim suit designer Kyna Treacy who was sitting in the stands near the dug out. (Am I the only one with Paradise by the Dashboard Lights playing in their head right now?)

I know what I would do if I was the Yankee's manager, I'd replace my first base coach with a hot chick who stripped down to a bikini and waved at A-Rod every time he came to bat.  For $275 million dollars, I'd need to do everything I could to get A-Rod's head (and bat) back in the game.

Report: A-Rod's flirting fan identified

Monday, October 01, 2012

Five Things We Don't Tell You

As a straight married guy who has been around the block once or twice, I just what to share a few things with my female friends.  You see, we lie now and then.  Mostly out of self-preservation.  Regardless of how insensitive we may seem, we do get the basics and these little lies help us stay both sane and safe.  Now, before you have a cow, be warned: This post is full of generalizations. Not all women or men act the same way. Your man may not think exactly this way and you maybe more enlightened than your neighbor.  So take this post with a grain or two of salt and save your disgust for more important things, like youth violence or world hunger.

Without further ado, the top five things married men don't tell their wives.
5) "Yes, we think she's pretty."

Depending on the day, we know there's an excellent chance you aren't really asking about her, you are really asking if we think YOU are pretty.  We do.  We also think she's pretty. It isn't a zero sum game for us. I think Maggie Gyllenhaal is pretty, I think Mila Kunis is pretty, I think Sara Ramirez is pretty and I think my wife is pretty.  Tall or short, fat or thin, blond, brunette or redhead, they can all be pretty. But we aren't likely to admit it when we think the question is really, "Do you think I'm pretty."

Just listen to women talk to each other in private and you will soon learn that they are constantly comparing themselves to other women. This a fairly foreign concept to a man. That is why a man will tell a woman something like "You look beautiful in that dress." while a woman will say, "Your dress is so much prettier than hers." The only things that your average married man will compare to other men are obviously measurable things like golf scores and penis length.
4) "It didn't really take an hour to buy that fertilizer, I just needed the time away."

You dilly-dally at the grocery store and we meander at the hardware store. We aren't really shopping, it is just a good place to clear our heads and have some quiet time.  The smell of fresh cut lumber and paint just make us feel comfortable.  Remember, we are just like you, we need to have a little respite from the daily grind too.  In simplest terms, we just want a break from searching the house for the note that came home from school or listening to a lecture on why our way of doing the dishes is fundamentally flawed.

3) "Actually, we don't have to be there for another 20 minutes."

We lie to you about when things start because you can't help but push the envelope on departure times and it makes us crazy.  Whenever possible we fudge the needed time of arrival so we aren't flying out of the house just to get to get there 15 minutes late. It makes you crazy when the kids do it, it makes us crazy when you do it.

2) "No, that baby isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen."

Honestly, babies just aren't that interesting to us.  They look like big cash black holes whose single purpose in life is to eat, shit, scream and make their parents into sleepless, broke zombies.  We like kids, hell, we love them.  But we prefer them after they have passed the house plant stage.  Once they start to really talk and move and reason and hit baseballs, then we can't get enough of them.  But the whole baby/toddler thing is really just a phase we have to endure to get to the good part.

1) "Yes, that makes you look fat."

Honestly, you know it does.  If we made more money we would let you buy nothing but specially tailored clothes hand picked  by a professional stylist that make you look like a movie star, but we don't so you have to make do with what you have.  Besides, half the time we're pretty sure you aren't looking for our opinion, you are really looking for permission to wear it anyway because you don't really want to get redressed.  Bottom line: You look great as far as we are concerned. (See Item Number 5)  We just want to get the hell out of the house so that we can get there on time.

Well, there you go. I have spilled the beans.  Try not to judge your man to harshly, he can't help it really.  It is just the way he is made.  He still loves you, he still thinks you are pretty, he still wants to go places with you.  He just doesn't want the drama that the truth is going to cause. He does it to keep you happy and him safe from your wrath.  Can you blame him?