Long Time, No See...Really, Don't See It

I've been gone.

(And now, playing the role of Captain Obvious is The T-Dude.)

It isn't that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I've been too tired, too distracted, too occupied to take the time to write them down.

I was missing a muse. I had nothing to inspire me to write. It was, in many ways, just the same old shit on a brand new day after day after day...

And then I saw Oceans, the new aquatic offering from Disney films, brought to theaters just in time for Earth Day. Now, suddenly, I was inspired. All those wonderful pictures of dolphins and whales and cuttlefish inspired me to write the first sentence I wanted to write in weeks. It formed in my mind as the film unfolded before me, it was as if I actually saw the words on the screen:

"Don't see Oceans! Like sea water from a whale's head, it BLOWS! And not just once, but over and over again for the entire life of the film."

Almost poetry, really.

Here is where the movie went wrong...it began. Then it got worse, Pierce Brosnan's voice began narrating. Well, sort of. It began as a dramatic reading trying to describe what it means to encounter and KNOW the ocean. There was an all-American boy on a beach dune, wind in his hair, a faraway look in his eager for discovery eyes. In his defense, Pierce didn't write the crap he said. And I suppose one could almost forgive the overly dramatic delivery as an attempt to cover up the utter shit he was being asked to regurgitate.

("The popcorn may have been a mistake," I think to myself as the nausea builds.)

Then the footage starts. It's pretty to look at. Lots of fish, cool creatures, coral etc. And as the film rolls, we are occasionally subjected to VERY PROFOUND AND POETIC descriptions that tell us what we are watching is special. None of it actually teaches us anything, it just fills the auditory space with pretty words that seem to exist only to let us know that what we are seeing is special.

And that's the whole movie. Pretty film interrupted by over written blather in a British accent that adds nothing to the film.

Now I saw this movie with two girls, ages nine and ten. They liked it. They didn't love it, but moving pictures of dolphins make girls that age happy. For the rest of us, we require a bit more. Like some substance.

Bottom line: If you have the need to eat movie popcorn or for two hours of distraction for the kids, go ahead and catch this at the before 2pm discount show, but don't expect much because there isn't much there.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!