Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year


It is just hours away from 2010 and I want to wave goodbye to the 00's. 

My wife and kids are good and my job is going well.  My checkbook is less than stellar and my trek to the great reward is one year shorter.

I guess that makes the year a wash.  The Zen part of my soul is telling me that is is exactly the way it is supposed to be, the Ying and the Yang are in balance and I should just be.

So, I guess for the rest of 2009, I will listen and wallow in my inner peace.  But starting at 12:01am, I'm gonna be pissed again.  I'm going to rant again.  I'm going to call'em like I see'em.  I hope you'll pop by now and then, otherwise I'm nothing more than a cyber version of the guy sitting on the sewer grate outside the White House with a sign in his hand and voices in his head. 

So from the voices in my head and the family in my home I wish each of you a wonderful new year.  To quote Col. Potter:

"Let's hope it's a damn sight better than the last one."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Peanuts Characters - The Later Years (Part II)

I've gotten some nice feedback on part one of this little adventure. Perhaps the most vocal so far has been my wife who said that there is no way Pig Pen grew up to be Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs. Pig Pen isn’t good looking enough she says. Instead, she thinks Pig Pen would have been removed from his home by Child Protective Services. Yeah...maybe. But I stand by my ending. If there is a happy ending for Pig Pen, it’s turning getting dirty into a high paying profession.

While I certainly tried to make this humorous, as my assistant and others at work could attest, I have agonized over each of these as well. I want these endings to be more than plausible, I want them to be logical, likely even. And while you may feel the way my wife does, I hope you’ll agree that this could very well be the way these characters ended up after the end of Peanuts.

So, without further ado, here is Part II of Peanuts Characters: The Later Years.


Snoopy

Snoopy was perhaps the most successful of all the Peanuts gang. He parlayed all the early attention into a long running gig as the spokesdog for Met Life insurance. But, like most things, it didn't last forever. He and his pal Woodstock were shooting a commercial with the Met Life blimp when Woodstock accidentally got sucked into one of the blimp's props. It was a tragedy from which Snoopy never fully recovered. Between the bad press, questions about Woodstock’s pharmaceutical intake, and Snoopy’s heartfelt remorse about the passing of his dear friend, the gig with Met Life was soured beyond repair and so he ended his relationship with the company.

When he left Met Life, he returned home to his doghouse. Snoopy was at heart a simple hound with few needs. He wanted regular meals, his root beer, and the opportunity to write. So after leaving Met Life, he wrote his memoirs and they were an instant success. Titled It was a Dark and Stormy Night, Snoopy's book spent 15 weeks on the New York Times best seller list selling hundreds of thousands of copies in the U.S. alone.

With the success of the book and the money he made pitching insurance, Snoopy never had to work again. He gave heavily to charity, specifically PETA, ASPCA and Amnesty International.

Snoopy died quietly one night at the age of 16. He was found curled up in Charlie Brown’s old striped shirt; in front of the movie My Dog Skip on his big screen plasma with a half finished letter to fan that included an autographed photo of him with Woodstock, his oldest dearest friend.


Linus Van Pelt

Linus suffered for years after the run of Peanuts ended. He had a deep seeded love for Sally Brown that she obviously did not share. In an effort to get on with his life, he tried every kind of self-help group he could find. EST, scream therapy, alcoholics anonymous, if there were steps to be taken, he took them in an effort to get past his pain. But nothing seemed to help. So he decided to find his own path and developed his own self-help concept: “Embrace Your Inner Blanket”.

While he never made it as big as the ShamWow guy, Linus was mildly successful on the Holiday Inn circuit pitching mental and emotional wellness. Eventually, at the Comfort Suites in Enis Oklahoma, he met a nice, ill-adjusted, more than slightly over-weight, curly blond haired woman who grew to love him. She married him and they had a son, Linus Jr.. They had a good, happy marriage. He didn’t mind that she never lost those extra 50 or 60 pounds and she didn’t say anything when he occasionally shouted “Oh Sally!” when they had sex.

Oh, and he never did lose the blanket. He had pieces of it sewn into the lining of all his suits so that he never felt alone.


Charlie Brown

Early in life, Charlie Brown never succeeded at anything. His baseball team never won a game, he got nothing but rocks in his Trick-or-Treat bag, and he fell for the same pull the football away gag over and over again. But in the end, Charlie Brown had the last laugh.

During high school, Charlie Brown had the good fortune to sit next to a bright young man in computer class. This guy was a real whiz. But he really struggled in the rest of his subjects. He didn’t get English, History to him was whatever was on TV the week before, and gym class was just a form of medieval torture. But Charlie took pity on this kid. He helped him with his English papers, explained History to him and always picked him for his teams in gym class, even though the kid stunk on ice when it came to sports.

Just before graduation, the kid asked Charlie if he could borrow a hundred bucks. Charlie, not knowing how to say “no” gave the kid five twenties the next day. After graduation, the kid just seemed to disappear. Charlie Brown didn’t think twice about him. He had figured the hundred bucks was a goner anyway and he just hoped that the kid was doing okay.


Charlie went off to Junior College to study architectural drafting and try and convince girls to sleep with him. He was better at the first than the second, but neither endeavor was a total failure. In fact, he hooked up on a regular basis with Frieda from the old neighborhood. She wasn’t very interesting in bed, but she was willing and that was good enough for Charlie.

Two years later, just as he was about to graduate, he got a letter in mail from the kid he’d lent the hundred bucks. In the letter he found out that the kid had gone on to start his own computer company that he called Microsoft. With the letter were a one hundred dollar bill and a check for five million dollars. As the letter explained, Charlie’s one hundred bucks was the first investment in what had become the greatest software company in the world. The five million dollars was the dividend from that investment.

Charlie immediately packed up his stuff and moved to Napa Valley where he bought a small vineyard and hired a hot girl to hold a football on demand so that he can kick field goals on his private football field whenever he feels like it.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Peanuts Characters: The Later Years (Part 1)

Every year, the Great Pumpkin fails to come, Charlie Brown’s tree turns into a Rockefeller Center tree look-a-like, and the Easter beagle makes an appearance. But what has always struck me is that these kids never grow up. They had too, right? They couldn't just stay kids forever, so what happened when they grew up? Here is where I think they are today.



Lucy van Pelt

After high school, Lucy went off to college and tried to study psychiatry. She soon flunked out and after a year travelling Europe in an effort to “find herself”; she returned to the U.S. and got a job as a talk radio host in Yakima Washington. Her mixture of psycho-babble, anti-authority politics and women’s empowerment rhetoric soon made her a favorite of lesbians and libertarians alike and she is currently nationally syndicated under the radio name of Dr. Lucy Feltpetter.


Peppermint Patty

After an endless string of D- grades in high school, Patty dropped out in her junior-year and took off for California searching for her place in the world. Her love of sports landed her a wide variety of gigs, everything from a corner cut man for local boxers to the equipment manager for the Triple A Sacramento River Cats. Later she found minor fame and fortune as the "Red Bomber" on the Roller Derby circuit but had her career cut short by an ugly folding chair incident. She is currently the owner of a number of small businesses in the San Fernando Valley including three convenience stores, a roller rink, and a strip club featuring topless dancing and deep fried peppermint patties.


Sally Brown

Sally went to the University of Wisconsin where she majored in Communications, beer bongs and frat boys, often combining all three in one night stands that started with multiple beer bongs and ended with long vocalized rationalizations as to why getting drunk and screwing random frat boys didn’t really make her a slut. Her senior year she volunteered for the Clinton for President Campaign and parlayed her work there into a job with a Washington DC lobbying/public relations firm where her drinking and frat boy enticement skills are quickly getting her a reputation as one of DC’s up and coming Congressional lobbyists. She has been engaged to a congressional staffer for nearly two years, but secretly thinks getting married will hurt her career so she keeps refusing to set a date.


Marcie

Marcie moved away just before high school because her homophobic parents were worried she was in love with Peppermint Patty. That wasn’t true, of course, because Marcie really had a crush on Charlie Brown. But away she went and after a few years of private tutors and excellent schools, Marcie went to MIT. There she excelled in chemistry, specifically, lubricants, polymers and plastics research. She was a lead member of the team that developed the heat shield for the space shuttle. She recently married a bioengineer she met on Match.com and they are expecting their first child Mensa member in June.




Schroeder

Schroeder tried as hard as he could to make it as a concert pianist, but never made the big time, having to settle for jobs like “featured soloist for the Des Moines Metropolitan Orchestra.” In order to make ends meet, he played keyboards for a local Jazz quintet and tuned pianos. After several flings with bored housewives whose pianos he “tuned” -- sometimes weekly -- he met a jazz singer who introduced him kinky sex and heroin. Eventually, Schroeder got sober and  landed a regular gig playing in the piano bar on a Caribbean cruise liner filled to the Leto deck with out of tune women.


Pig Pen

He changed his name to Mike Rowe and has a successful television program on the Discovery Channel called Dirty Jobs.

So, that's part one.  Part two will be coming soon and we'll answer the questions America has always had about some of our favorite cartoon characters, questions like: Did Linus ever lose the blanket?  Did Charlie Brown ever get to kick the football or was his life really just a bag of rocks?

Till then my friends, I'll see ya in the funny papers.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Quick Hits: Now with Porn Stars

Grab a Tiger by his Tail


Should have seen this one coming...ewww, sorry about that.  Once one infidelity comes to light, it's just a matter of time before you get more. 

Now it seems Tiger's been sticking the ol' fairway wood in more than one chick's club house.  Depending on which sleazy publication you read, the number of supposed mistresses is as high as 9.  The most salacious of which is a "porn star"  Holly Sampson who allegedly played a few extra-marital holes with the world's best golfer.  According to Internet Movie Database the 36-year-old has appeared in 11 videos this year alone, including such titles as My First Sex Teacher, Suck it Dry 6 and MILF Bone 4.

(According to the New Yorker Magazine's movie critic, Suck it Dry 6 lacked some of the depth of the first five in the series but MILF Bone 4 shows how a film series can just get better with a little maturity.)

By the way, how does one gain the title porn "star"? I mean really, what's the difference between a porn star and someone who just screws on camera a lot?  Better body?  Better delivery of lines?


Cum Karaoke With Me 6?

According to this L.A. Times article, the place for adult film pros to network is this place in Burbank called Sardo's Grill & Lounge on Porn Star Karaoke Night.

I don't know about you, but when I think about a porn star having a hidden talent, I'm not thinking singing.  Of course, maybe that's why they call them hidden talents. 

Does this mean that the next big thing in porn is going to be the musical?  Just think of the great titles: Annie Grab my Gun, A Lad In, Bye Bye Boobies, All That Jizz, the possiblilities are endless. 

Although, I'm thinking films like that would probably do better in the gay male market. If Ms. Sampson's titles from the blurb above are any indication, the straight male market wants their porn titles to be pretty...well...straight forward.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Teeing Up Tiger's Balls


If there is one lesson this Tiger Woods business should teach us, it is that if you are a mega-star with millions of dollars riding on your public image, you are much better off not being married.  That's right, if you are a rising superstar who has the urge to diddle a wide variety of trim, then you shouldn't marry.  You shouldn't even marry a smoking hot, norse-goddess of a model.

But if you choose to marry said model, then you have to eat at home.  That's right, it doesn't matter how rich you are, banging cocktail waitresses and party planners instead of your wife isn't ever going to end well.

Now, if you're not married, you can pretty much sleep with anyone you want.  Just ask George Clooney.  He was sleeping with a waitress for months and all anyone ever thought was "Ohhhh, how Pretty Woman....How Cinderella!  Isn't that nice, George isn't stuck up."

(Important note - This also was translated by the fucked up subconscious of millions of women that George Clooney might actually be willing to sleep with them.  It probably just added ten years to his career.)

But who cares!  You're Tiger F-ing Woods, you can do whatever you fucking want, right?  Wrong.  You put a ring on her finger and had kids and parlayed that into a part of the wholesome image you sold to corporate America to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars.  That was a big mistake if what you really wanted to do was use your celebrity as pussy bait.  Seriously, once you say "I do", the rules change.  And what would be no big deal to a single super celeb suddenly gets you on the cover of the National Enquirer and a four iron upside your head.

For example:

When you are a single superstar, you really don't care that the first thing she does once you've pulled up your drawers and hit the road is call all her friends and boast about who she just slept with.  (She probably left out the part where you called her the wrong name.) 

But for the married you, this is the exact opposite action you are looking for.  The problem is this: the whole "This is just between us..." speech you gave her on the way out the door sounded to her like an adult from the Peanuts Christmas special.  Besides, she wasn't listening anyway; she was deciding which reality show would give her the best chance at a real career in show biz.

Honestly, I don't care who Tiger or anyone else is fucking.  Hell, if Tiger wants to oil up a hairy Taiwanese transsexual and practice putting his balls from the rough, I could care less.  But once you get married, you've made a commitment that a lot of people, including your wife, take very seriously.  And that commitment includes not putting your corporate employers in a tough spot by breaking your vows with a some waitress serving up high balls and low morals.

Finally, since I'm a man, I have to point out just a couple of things.  First, we don't know what Elin did or didn't do. We have no idea what has been going on in their house.  I know one thing for sure, we don't know the whole story and speculation isn't really fair to Tiger or his family.

Secondly, if this affair is true, why would a mega millionaire superstar actually trade DOWN.  Have you seen the pictures of this chick?  Here -- a little comparison of Tiger's wife and the woman claiming to have had the affair with Tiger.

Tiger's Wife Elin Nordegren:




Tiger's (Alleged) Tart Jaimee Grubbs:



If you're going to cheat on that, at least make it with someone in the same league.  This chick might as well have a "Gold Digger" tramp stamp.  But what the hell would I know.  Maybe he has a thing for reality show tarts.  Maybe she has some sort of mad skills that make her a Siren to guys like Tiger.  But to me, this looks like the Cubs trading future Hall of Famer Lou Brock for future nothing Ernie Broglio. 

I just hope, for Tiger's sake, that his fans have a shorter memory than Cubs fans.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Censorship Sucks

Those of you who know me know that I come from a family of librarians. My grandmother was one and so was my father. One of the things that they faced throughout their careers was the call for censorship. It comes with the job I guess. If you are the person giving people access to information, someone is going to get pissed about the information you are providing. This particularly true when it comes to sex.


I remember as a kid, a very public fight between my father and some local bible thumpers over sex education books being made available at the library. My Dad believed that young adults should have access to the ins and outs (sorry about that) of sex. That was what a library is for, to look up stuff you want to know, and frankly, young adults want to know the truth about sex. They NEED to know the truth. Just ask Bristol Palin.

The worst part was, that as soon as the book banners started squawking, the loonies came out of the woodwork. It was a living example of the slippery slope. As soon as the story ran in the paper, little old ladies with bung holes tighter than the buns on their heads started showing up at the front desk with stacks of books they thought were obscene and in need of being pulled. The funny part was, most of the books involved lesbians. What do little old ladies in Iowa have against lesbians I wonder? And how did they know those books contained stories about lesbians? Doth thou protest too much?

Any way, Mr. Art Weeks, the library director in Ames, Iowa stood up to the purveyors of sexual ignorance and won a battle to keep a magazine called Sex, Etc. available to teens. The magazine is written by and for teens under the oversight of Answer, a national sexuality organization at Rutgers University. It addresses teen sexuality issues, substance abuse and eating disorders.

I mention all of this merely on the chance that Mr. Weeks will Google himself one of these days and come across this post where I call him a hero, a champion of enlightenment and a defender of the marketplace of ideas.

From those of us who understand the importance of access to information, from those of us who believe that sex education is the key to sound decision-making, from those of us who have seen the slippery slope first hand, I just want to say:

Well done Mr. Weeks, well done.

Teen Sex Magazine to Stay on Shelves at Iowa Library

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Racist Pig Swim Pool - Part Three


I just can't let this story go...remember the swim club that sold access to the pool to a day camp only to rescind the sale when they discovered that the kids weren't white?  Well, they are trying to declare bankruptcy.

But before we all start thinking, "Good! You racist pigs." I think there is something fishy going on in their cement pond. According to the article they have liabilities of $100,000 to $500,000 and assets of anywhere from 1 to ten million dollars.
For the sake of argument, let's take the middle of both ranges.  That would mean debt of $300,000 and assets of 5 million dollars.

I don't know about you, but I'll take that balance sheet any day.

I think these bastards are trying to make themselves judgment proof.  They are in the mother of all legal stalls while trying to protect their assets so when they lose they have to pay little or nothing for telling the kids of color that they weren't good enough to swim in their pool. 

Personally, I hope the government and the justice system see right through this and dry hump these guys for every dime they can. 

Honkies Only Pool Declares Bankruptcy

Oh...and that bit at the end of the story is bullshit. Not enough life guards? When they first got caught, the club president said the reason they kicked the kids to the curb was because:
"There was concern that a lot of kids would change the complexion .....and the atmosphere of the club."

They are liars and they deserve the long arm of the law doing a very complete, very aggressive proctology exam for which they should be billed top dollar.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Republican Funded Abortions (and a bit about Levi Johnston's man bits)


No More D and Cs for the RNC

For the last 18 years, the young women who worked for the Republican National Committee (RNC) had some very comprehensive health insurance. It even covered abortions.

That's right kids, if a RNC campaign muffin found herself with a bun in the oven unexpectedly (Remember, they only teach abstinence, not sex-ed,  at the Nancy Reagan Preparatory School and Country Club!) all she had to do was head down to the local abortionist and be done with it.  And these abortions were made possible by Republican donors of America.

Sweet huh?  Those same people who have spouted hateful things about the reproductive rights of women in order to get fat cat Republicans to whip out their wallets and write even fatter checks have been spending some of those dollars they raised to ensure that their female employees can get abortions on demand.

Oh...and the best part?  The only reason that they quit is because they got caught.  They are trying to use the abortion issue as a way to trip up health care reform and some snoopy reporter types found out that the RNC insurance plan was providing the actual services that the Republican's were trying to strip out of the public option insurance being proposed on the hill.

You know...that part of the health care reform bill intended to cover those who are currently falling through the cracks. People like the poor, the un- or underemployed, the under-educated,  -- in other words -- the kinds of people who are the least likely to ever work at the RNC.

Well, they may have been trying to strip it out, but the main purpose of the whole thing was to use the abortion issue as they have been for years and years, to drive a wedge between conservative Democrats and liberal ones.

I think some on the Religious Right actually care about abortion.

(I also think they are self-righteous hypocrites who think they've been saved by Jesus but miss the point completely when it comes to tolerance and forgiveness.  But that is for another day.)

But deep in the dark bowels of the RNC, where the Republican political hacks cultivate their strategies based not on belief or credo, but on an unfailing desire to gain and maintain power, the abortion issue is just an old, favorite tool.  It is a tool they use whenever they need to divide the voters or the Congress, to distract them from the true goal of the Republican efforts, to keep the rich rich and the poor poor and the government out of the way of those with the most money and power.

This isn't about abortion.  This is about the insurance companies getting what they want: little or no public option and a mandate that everyone buy insurance.  If they can get that without too many more government regulations -- like you have to cover anyone, regardless of their pre-existing conditions -- then the Republican hacks have done their job.

The abortion issue is just their way of distracting the voters from their true goal, to protect those insurance companies that have given billions of dollars over the years to Congressmen and Senators for the sole purpose of ensuring that those elected officials protect the insurance industry's corporate interests ahead of ours, the voters.

We Democrats have to learn to quit jumping at the abortion bone whenever the Republican dark wizards wave it under our noses.  Passing this health reform is too important for us to be distracted by this same, tired old tactic.  Give up the abortion funding and concentrate on the overall game, getting meaningful health care reform that includes a robust public option.

That is a fight we must fight. That is a fight we can win.  Give me the side of the public over the side of corporate greed any day. That is a story I can sell. We can't allow them to frame the debate with a distraction!  The choice here isn't about "choice" or "right to life"; it's between the wealthy insurance companies who have been fucking the consumer for profit for much too long and the voters who deserve access to quality health care.

Republican Abortion Coverage



He's Been to Bristol

At just about the same time as Sarah Palin's book is coming out, her daughter's baby daddy is getting ready to show the world his man junk in Playgirl magazine.

First, I didn't know Playgirl still existed, who knew?  Gay men I guess.

Second, if the future of the Republican Party is going to be filled with Milfy moron ex-governors and the nude models that impregnate their daughters, I think the Dems will be just fine thank you.

Can't you just see all those country club ladies standing around at a fund raiser thinking to themselves, "Yeah, that Sarah Palin, she represents everything we believe in. You know, babies out of wedlock, male soft core porn, hunting...it's like she's one of us!"

Or not...

(You notice how I completely avoided all the hockey stick jokes? It was very difficult, believe me.)
Playgirl Photo Shoot "Fantastic" Involves Hockey Stick

Friday, October 30, 2009

I'll f@%# you up!

I am no fan of Arnold.  Only a few of his movies were any good (Predator, the first Terminator), but you have to love a Governor who sends an F-bomb back in the veto notes he attaches to bills he won't sign.

Too much fun.

Hidden F-bomb from Arnold

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Sweet Revenge

As a father, I can so totally relate to this.

A father's daughter is killed in an attempted rape.  The killer is tried and found guilty in absentia.  Twenty-seven years later, the man (a doctor) found guilty is found on the steps of the courthouse bound, gagged and beaten. 

It may have taken a long time, but in my world, justice never ages.

Father Kidnaps

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

New Cellies

So I get new cell phones for myself and the girls and I'm really happy with the deal. Sprint gave it up for a longtime customer and I appreciate them repaying the loyalty. But their "Wireless Update" feature that lets you keep your contacts stored online totally blows.

You have to pay a $2.00 a month fee and your contacts are supposed to be regularly stored and updated should your phone go bye-bye. Sounds okay, so I uploaded all the information from my old phones to the web. The information got there and was stored. When I sent to download it to my new phones, only three of the contacts transferred. For the rest, the names remained on the site, but all the information for each of the names disappeared.

After 25 minutes on the phone with customer service, they still couldn't get it to work. I needed to go do other things and figured I'd take another whack at it later. In the meantime, my wife just manually punched in all the old contacts.

No school like the old school I guess.

So instead of calling Sprint to fix the problem, I'm calling to cancel the service and get my money back. A shame really, they gave me a good deal, I just wish the technology would have worked.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Please Read This Post

I should never leave town because when I do, bad things seem to happen.

On my business trip before this last one, my father-in-law who had been suffering from Alzheimer's took a significant turn for the worse, developed secondary health issues leaving my wife to deal with kids, a scared sad mother and her own fears about her father.

This time, three days into a week long trip, the husband of a very good friend of my wife's went missing.

And I mean missing. The scary kind of missing.

He left his wallet, his cell phone, everything and just disappeared.

I live in the Chicagoland area. I ask anyone who lives here as well to please read this article and look at this picture.

His name is Robert (Bob) Nelson. His wife, children and friends are very worried for his well-being and are asking for help in locating him.

If you have seen Bob, please contact the Lake County Sheriff's Department at (847)549-5200.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I love being right.

A little while back I made comment about a swim club that had rented itself out to a kids day camp out of Philly and then backed out of the deal once the kids showed up and the club members noticed that the kids weren't white. See:

It Doesn't Wash Off You Rich Racist Pigs

In that post, I suggested that the feds get involved seeing as how this isn't the 1950's and bigots aren't supposed to get away with shit like that. Well, it would appear that my wish came true:

U.S. opens civil rights probe of swimming pool

You got the "G" on your ass now...and if you don't mind, I'd like an extra large tub of buttered popcorn and a Fresca to enjoy while I watch disgruntled federal investigators perform legal sodomy on you all and your cement pond. I just hope they do their best Ned Beatty impression when the G-men have their way with them.

Friday, September 18, 2009

I wish...

...that Christians and non-Christians would spend more time looking at how they are the same and less time looking at how they are different.

Monday, September 14, 2009

And so it begins...

My freshman daughter believes a boy in one of her classes is going to ask her to homecoming.

I don't think I'm ready for this...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

A time and a place for everything...


Rep. Joe Wilson (R) of South Carolina is an idiot.

Other than the fact that his actions prove my point, I am also demonstrating the appropriate way to communicate disagreement with the President of the United States.

As anyone who has read this blog knows, I called George Bush Jr. worse things than liar. Once again, I have truth on my side so I feel vindicated and justified, but I also would never had done that in the middle of a speech he was giving to Congress and the nation...particularly if I was an elected official representing an entire Congressional District.

I repeat. Rep. Joe Wilson is an idiot. He is also wrong.

President Obama is not a liar. The section where Joe had his "spontaneous reaction" was when the President said only American citizens would be eligible to receive taxpayer funded health care. That is the truth. The only bill on Capital Hill that has even made it out of committee has specific language that says that only citizens can get taxpayer funded health care.

So, either Rep. Joe Wilson is an idiot or he is a liar. That is a bill in the House of Representatives, Joe is in the House of Representatives. Either he hasn't studied the bill (hence, he is an idiot) or he knew damn well that the President and the Democrats have not included non-U.S. citizens in the health care reform expenditures (hence he would be a liar).

Therefore, Rep. Joe Wilson is either an idiot or a liar...or now that I think about it, perhaps the whole truth is that he's actually both.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Saw dust and chicken shit

We are off to the fair. Not just any fair, but this fair. Having grown up in a state known more for its livestock than its population, this is like stepping back in time for me every time we go. Farm animals, pig races, demolition derby, meat on a stick...this is what summer is all about.

Now I just have to remind the girls that those stupid flip flops they wear everywhere are probably not appropriate for the county fair. I'm pretty sure neither of my girls defines happiness as a hot, sunny day spent walking for hours with chicken shit and saw dust caked between their toes.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Quick Hits: Now With a Dose of Irony

Hot Dogs

First, before you start hating me for this, just know that I have had dogs all my life. I have two beagles right now. I found this to be a sad story. But seriously, it just begs to be here!

Robin Star, the CEO of the Richmond Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals accidentally left her 16 year-old deaf and blind dog in a hot car for 4 hours and it died. Apparently her hubby put the dog in the car before she left for work and didn't tell her. The temps that day hit 91 degrees. She took the pooch to two clinics but it died of kidney failure.

Okay, I have real sympathy for the woman. The dog was 16! That's like 112 in people years. It had a good, long life. I hope everyone will leave this lady alone, I'm sure she feels crappy enough already.

SPCA exec's dog dies after being left in hot car

Class Action This!

Remember that nice movie about Erin Brockovich, the woman who worked with the local small time lawyer to sue the shit out of the utility company that had poisoned an entire town? Well, that was a true story and the firm, Masry & Vititoe was recently forced into bankruptcy defending itself against lawsuits by the estate of Edward Masry, the name partner.

That's right, Edward Masry died in 2005, but from the grave he has continued to be a litigious guy and has taken down his own firm. I guess six feet wasn't deep enough.

Lawyers and Firms Stake Claims in Masry & Vititoe Bankruptcy

"I don't drink...pass that joint."

According to a new Rasmussen Reports national telephone survey, 51 percent of Americans rate alcohol as more dangerous than marijuana. And only 19 percent rate it the other way around.

Duh. This just goes to show you that at least half of the people in the survey have smoked pot at one point in their life. Anyone who has ever pulled the stem with a great inhale knows that drunks are dangerous, stoners are only going to hurt those two little M&M guys, the rest of us are safe.

51% Rate Alcohol More Dangerous Than Marijuana

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Why Public Option Opponents Are Hypocrites.

You know why the bought and paid for politicians against real health care reform are hypocrites? Because they don't believe their own talking points. That's right. They are flat out lying about what they believe.

Have you heard Sen. Chuck Grassley of the Senate Finance Committee or House Minority Leader John A. Boehner tell you that Medicare is wrong and should be dismantled? No, you haven't. You know why? Two reasons:

1) It works. That's right, you don't see the streets filled with dying old people so you? No, because a public option for health insurance exists out there that provides for their care.

2) Old people are a growing segment of our population and they have nothing better to do than to watch Matlock reruns and vote. So no one who wants to get re-elected is going to tell you that Medicare is wrong.

To add insult to injury, the opponents to health care are telling everyone that if we pass reform, it will result in managed care where someone besides your doctor and you decide what kind of care you get and what doctors you can see. Actually, that's exactly what we have now.

In 1998, 73 percent of people were covered by conventional insurance where you could see any doctor and the two of you decided on your care and, except for the co-pay, the insurance company paid the bill. Now, as of 2008, only 2 percent of people have that kind of insurance. Now we are all in HMO's or Preferred Provider networks where the insurance company is deciding who you can and can't see.

To make it worse, these same insurance companies that take our money employ tens of thousands of people whose job it is to figure out how not to pay your full benefit. That is how they make a profit, by charging a premium price to cover marketing and other administrative costs while working as hard as possible not to pay the full amount.

If that doesn't convince you that they are hypocrites, then let's take a quick look at the cornerstone of our laws and government, the Constitution of the United States.

The preamble reads:

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
What could be more basic to "promoting the general welfare" than making sure all of us have access to quality health care?

Frankly, I would much prefer my health care be provided by an institution devoted to that ideal than by one committed to profits and stockholders.

Don't Want a Public Plan? Well, What Do You Think of Medicare?

Monday, August 17, 2009

I'm back...

I was on a much needed vacation but now I'm back. Just a one thing to say before I sit down for some real writing.

Health care is a right. It is that simple. Just like a public education is in the best interest of the rest of society, so is quality health care. To that end, a public option is what veterans and seniors have and I think the rest of us should have one too. It works for them and no one calls it "socialism." Why should access to health care for the rest of us be any different? You know who doesn't want a public option? The health insurance companies, and they are paying millions of dollars to lobby firms to make sure that you don't get it.

They are making money on your fear of illness and on not paying for health care. They have thousands of people on the payroll whose job it is to make it hard for you to collect on the insurance for which you have paid. Don't let the republicans or the insurance lobby bullshit you, you deserve access to health care. If adequate health care isn't an innate part of "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness", then what is?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tanning to death

A new study out of London says that when tanning beds are used before age thirty, they have the same cancer causing potential as arsenic and mustard gas.

Can I just say to all those moms out there who are letting their little girls tan before prom, or get a "base tan" before the summer...STOP!

You daughter isn't a Barbie doll, she has real skin that will become cancerous leather is you let her use these things. She doesn't need a tan, trust me. Just like she doesn't need cancerous growths all over her face.

In Britain, melanoma, the deadliest kind of skin cancer, is now the leading cancer diagnosed in women in their 20s. Normally, skin cancer rates are highest in people over 75.

If you have to tan, use the stuff in the bottle. But frankly, I think it is time to listen to the scientists and not the fashionistas when it comes to what's best for our kids.

Tanning Beds can be as Deadly as Arsenic

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures

Having grown up in Iowa, I know a thing or two about farmers. For example, they worry about rain...a lot. No rain, no crop. During one drought, I even remember my grandfather talking to his neighbors about how much it might cost them to get someone to seed the clouds.

Little did they know that it was actually just this easy:

Naked girls plow fields for rain

Some how, I don't think gramma would have been down with that.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Quick Hits: Now with Special Requests!

It has been a wild couple of weeks... black kids getting a taste of racism, politicians quitting or shacking up with South American chicks, carpenter's losing their tools... I hardly know where to begin!

For Jane: "Hey Governor Palin – Nobody Likes A Quitter!"

When Karl Rove is wondering just what the hell you're doing, you know you're on the train to crazy town.

And hell, she’ll probably run for mayor!

I watched a special report on her soon after she quit. Diane Sawyer or someone like her went to Alaska and interviewed her while she was salmon fishing with the family. Palin was so inarticulate, so awkward that I honestly have no idea how she ever got elected to be Governor. I think the men up there voted for her just to see a MILF on the news.

When I say MILF, please remember that we are talking about Alaska where it is dark half the year and they have the highest ratio of unmarried men to unmarried women in the U.S. (U.S. Census Bureau)

Honestly, this is the person who thought they could be one missed heart beat from the Presidency? If she can't even finish one term as Governor of Alaska, how in God's name did she expect to survive Washington D.C.?

It Doesn't Wash Off You Rich Racist Pigs

A swim club near Philadelphia agreed to rent out it's pool to a day camp once a week. You see, the camp has no pool and the camp directors thought it would be nice if these kids had a chance to go to a pool one a week during the dog days of summer. The camp wrote a check to the Valley Swim Club for $1,950. The club took the check, and on June 29th, 65 kids ranging from 7th grade to kindergarten showed up and started swimming.

That's when it got interesting. You see, the kids attending the Creative Steps, Inc. day camp are black. And it wasn't long before three of the children went to the day camp executive director and said they heard club members asking why blacks were at the club.

Several days later the day camp's check was returned, their access to the pool had been rescinded. When asked why the club shut these kids out, the club President John Duesler made the following statement:

"There was concern that alot of kids would change the complexion .....and the atmosphere of the club."

Complexion? A Freudian slip?

Just because the sheets on your head are 400 thread count imported cotton, you are still a racist.

I have a question for you Mr. Duesler, how many minorities belong to your club? I think it is time for the Feds to do a little census. Separate but equal started going bye-bye in 1954 after Brown v. Board of Education you nasty little bigots.

If I was the ACLU and/or the NAACP, I'd be researching case law right now to hit you folks in the only place it hurts you... your wallets.

Here is the Valley Club website. Look at every photo and tell me...do you see anything but Wonder Bread white faces? I sure don't.

Man Loses Manhood Building Cabinets for Mom

Ouch doesn’t cover it. Little did I know that cabinet making required a jock strap and an iron cup.

And my wife wonders why I’m so useless at home repair. Self preservation baby, self preservation.

Another One Bites the Dust

Listen, neither party is clean when it comes to sex scandals. Edwards, Spitzer, Clinton, Hart, all Democrats who got caught putting their willies where they didn’t belong. But the Democrats haven’t been running around for the past twenty years screaming “family values” while they suck campaign cash out of the religious right and the bible belt.

Gov. Sanford of South Carolina is now the latest in a string of high profile Republicans who have caught cheating or sexing up the wrong person.

You had to love that whole lie about where he was when he was off the South America to bonk his Argentinean love muffin. Hiking the Appalachian Trail?

Seriously?

I think what you meant to say is he was off "humping Argentinean tail."

But he isn’t alone on the Republican Honor Roll of Sexual Hypocrisy. Let’s just look at a few highlights, shall we?

2009: John Ensign, Senator from Nevada, refuses to resign after confessing to an extramarital affair with a married staffer, claiming she was trying to extort him.

2008: Vito Fossella, the only Republican member of Congress from New York City, admitted to police to having a child out-of-wedlock when stopped for drunk driving.

2007: Larry Craig Republican Senator for Idaho, was arrested on July 11, 2007, by plainclothes police officer investigating complaints of lewd behavior in a Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport airport men's room.

David Vitter, junior Senator from Louisiana, became one of the few high-profile politicians to be implicated as a client of "D.C. Madam"

2006: Mark Foley, Republican Representative, Florida Sixteenth Congressional District. Resigned after trying to solicit sex from male congressional pages via an instant messenger program. The conversations included his asking a sixteen-year-old "stud" whether his penis was erect and requesting that he take out and measure his penis. The cover-up involved Republican House Majority Leader John Boehner, Ohio Eighth Congressional District and Republican House Speaker Dennis Hastert, Illinois Fourteenth District.

And while I normally stay away from staffers because they weren’t elected on their lies, this one is just too good (bad?) to pass up.

Alan David Berlin, He is an aide for Senator Jane Orie of Pennsylvania. He is also a furry who contacted a fifteen year old boy over the Internet, and offered to "yiff" the boy in a panda outfit, while his parents weren't home. The parents discovered the graphic emails on the boy's computer and called the Attorney General's child predator unit sometime in May. Police raided his home and discovered various furry outfits such as a wolf costume, as well as a cat outfit; all complete with two holes cut out at the undersides of the costumes.

He was arraigned in Dauphin County jail on a $250,000 bail.

(Credit for list: dkosopedia )

Champion Ice Princess Busted

They don’t call meth “Ice” for nothing I guess.

Nicole Bobek, the 1995 U.S. Figure Skating Champion was taken down in a drug raid targeting a methamphetamine ring. Her mother Jana Bobek was quoted as saying her daughter likes to "party".

Thanks Mom. That's going to go over real well at trial.

I guess poor Nicole forgot that ice is for skating, not smoking. Perhaps when she was falling on the ice, she was really just tasting it.

Okay, that's just mean. I hate to see athletes end up drug dealers/users. I hope she gets the help she needs. She represented our country in international competition, we owe her at least a second chance.

Well, it has been a while and I'm going to try and be better about posting. If not for myself, then for Jane.

She's got plenty on her hands already and deserves better than I've been giving.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Anticipation

I'm actually writing, I just haven't finished anything to post. It's coming...I swear.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Too F'ing Hot

I had fully intended to post tonight about the Iran situation and the crap that the Republican's are pulling to slow health care reform, but our air conditioner died and it is really hot and humid here tonight. I feel like the lead character in a Tennessee Williams play...sweaty, cranky and well written.

I'll get back to this in a day or so when either my bourbon level increases or the temperature drops.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Why People Like Obama...an Example

After living through the intellectual and emotional void that was the Bush administration, having a President that gets what people are about and isn't afraid to show it is so refreshing. For example, at an event yesterday in Wisconsin where President Obama was making the case for health care reform, he started taking questions from the crowd.

Yes, real questions from real people. It's this thing that real democratic leaders do on a regular basis.

One question came from a man who had his 10-year-old daughter with him. He said that he hoped that she didn't get in trouble for skipping the last day of school at which point President Obama offered to write her teacher a note.

And then he did it.

Classic. In one simple move he frames himself as a father who gets the day-to-day stuff we all live with and he gets great press at the same time.

The funny part is, I'm sure some rightwing nut job is out there right now trying to use this as proof that President Obama is really anti-education.

The girl's name: Kennedy Corpus. I have to ask...do you think her parent's considered going the full nine yards and naming her Christi? Think about the fun that would have been on those "last name first" school forms.

MSNBC.com: Obama writes girl a note for missing school

Saturday, June 06, 2009

I'm sorry in advance...

Did you hear the name of David Carradine's new movie?

Hung Fu

Friday, May 29, 2009

Quick Hits: Now with Religious Fervor

I Kissed a Girl

A Catholic priest was defrocked because he was caught kissing a girl. He has now decided to join the Episcopal church. While I'm not sure why this is news, I'm pretty sure that the Catholic Church should be thrilled. Not because their ex-priest has found a new religious home, but because they had a priest caught kissing a girl and not a 12 year-old alter boy. Personally, I think they are making real progress.

Catholic Priest Caught Kissing Girlfriend Joins Episcopal Church

Legalized Torture, Not Just for the Bush Administration

In Nebraska, a woman seeking an abortion will soon be forced, for no medical reason, to see an ultrasound of her fetus before the procedure is performed.

What kind of fucked up, right wing wack jobs thought this one up?

Do they honestly believe that a woman having an abortion hasn't already pictured the child inside of her? Do they seriously believe that the choice the woman/girl made was an easy one?

And now, just because they can, they are going to force these women to have an unneeded viewing of the fetus they are about to abort.

Why?

Because unless the woman happens to be an Iraqi enemy combatant in Gitmo, they can't waterboard her first.

I am sick of these holier-than-thou jackoffs. If they were the victim of a rape, would they want to be forced to see the product of that rape? If they were an impoverished, unwed teenager who can't care for herself, let alone a child, would they want to be forced to see the fetus before they made the only choice they could really make? And do they seriously believe that the fetus they are about to show these women looks that much different than the ones on the signs being held by their fanatical friends outside the clinic?

They don't care. You see, they think torture is good. That's right, they think that Jesus would be standing beside them as they caused a fellow human being, however flawed in his eyes, to feel pain and suffering in a time of despair and desperation.

And then they will go home feeling good about it. The Bible told them to do it, just ask them. Oh...I'm sure they are right. That's exactly what I remember reading in the bible. I think it went: "Thou shall torture those who act outside of your beliefs."

Yeah, that sounds like something Jesus would do, I'm sure of it.

I think I'll add this new law to the list of things that make me thankful that I don't live in Nebraska...it will fall between number 21 (It was the crappiest album Springsteen ever made.) and number 23 (Bush hid there on 9/11).

Nebraska Lawmakers Pass Abortion Ultrasound Bill

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Health Care: A Right or a Privilege?

There has been a lot of discussion on the Thom Hartman program on Air America about whether health care is a right the way education is in our country. Every child has the right to go to a public school. But does every American have the right to see a doctor?

This debate rages as the liberals and the conservatives take generally different views. The liberals generally argue that access to health care is a right while the conservatives say that there is no guarentee to health care.

I have a small problem with the conservatives hypocracy on this one.

A couple of years ago, George Bush told an audience in Cleveland that all American's had access to health care, they just needed to go to the emergency room. Now the reason that any American can go to the emergency room is because of a little thing called the Emergency Medical Treatment and Active Labor Act. It basically says that the emergency room has to at least see you and stablize you.

My point is this, if I have a right to this under the law, how can health care be a priviledge?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Oink

If the swine flu wore turbans and sweater vests made of TNT, I bet the Republicans wouldn't have called all that pandemic flu money they chucked out of the budget pork barrel spending. But in the end, the flu kills more people every year than all the Islamic fundamentalist terrorists combined.

For a political party that supposedly stands up for business, they really do suck at math.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Let Freedom Ring...in Iowa?


Unlike those bigoted assholes in California, the open-minded, accepting, progressive people of Iowa have opened the door to legal gay marriage in their fair state.

You read that right. The open-minded, accepting, progressive people of Iowa.

You might be shocked by this bit of news but you shouldn't be. The state of Iowa has lead the way on equality for more than a century. Don't believe me? Read this Chicago Tribune Column.

It does a nice job of listing some of Iowa's historic stands against inequality. For example:
•The state did away with racial barriers to marriage in 1851—more than 100 years before the U.S. Supreme Court would ban miscegenation statutes nationwide.

•In 1868, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled that segregated schools are a denial of equal protection of the laws. Brown vs. Board of Education, which did away with school segregation nationally, didn't come down until 1954.

•And in 1873, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled against racial discrimination in public accommodations. It would be almost 100 years before the U.S. Supreme Court would reach the same decision.

Did you also know that Iowa has one of the highest literacy rates in the nation? In fact, Iowa students rank number one nationally when it comes to mean SAT scores.

So don't be surprised by the fact that Iowa is helping to lead the way in gay rights. It's just the way those wild and crazy Iowans roll.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Just checking in...

We had the memorial service for my father-in-law on Thursday. It went well.

I hope to be better at posting in the coming weeks.

Thanks for your patience.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Quick Hits: Now with Child

Howdy kids!

I've been dealing with way too much and haven't had the time or inclination to blog, but I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was still sucking air by posting a couple of Quick Hits.

Bringing Up Baby

File this in the "I'm not Surprised" file. Bristol Palin is now a single mom after she broke up with the father of her baby. I guess teenage hockey players don't make the best fathers after all. I bet he plays forward...all shooting and scoring but no defense.

No one should be surprised. According to a quote in a Chicago Tribune story from Bill Albert, chief program officer for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, less than 8 percent of teen mothers marry the father of their child within a year of the child's birth.

Why?

Teenage boys are whores. Walking talking hormones with perpetual erections. Nature meant it that way.

The sooner we own up to the fact that teenage boys will say and do nearly anything to get some trim, the sooner we will agree with Bristol Palin herself who said that teaching teens abstinence is "not realistic at all."

Just Because You Can...

Octomom. I....well....hell. I don't know what to say except why didn't someone stop her.

Octuplets' mother says she's buying larger home

No shit.

Friday, February 20, 2009

I Like Animals. R.I.P. Socks

In a previous life, I worked in the Clinton Administration at the Commerce Department. I was one of hundreds political appointees, but it is an experience I will always cherish. As part of that time I saw a lot of really cool and amazing things. I witnessed state arrivals of foreign dignitaries on the west lawn. I attended inaugural balls. I sat in the President's Box at the Kennedy Center while the rest of the house looked up to see, "Who is that funny looking guy I don't recognize?"

But one rainy morning when I was walking into my office on the fourth floor of the Hoover Building (Commerce Department) I saw a big guy in a dark suit walking down the hall with a cat on a leash. It wasn't just any cat, it was the first cat. Socks was out for an early morning stroll and because of the weather, socks was walking the halls of the Commerce Department.

It was a nice cat. I'm glad it lived the full life it did. Rest in Peace Socks.

Clintons bid farewell to Socks the cat, age 20

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Saturday, February 14, 2009

In The News

It is part of my job to watch the news. Sometimes headlines and stories just stand out. Here are a few examples from the past week.

Headline of the week

From CNN.com:"Palin Unamused by Family Planning Stunt"

What happened? Did Bristol buy a box of condoms at the Quik-E-Mart on her way home from buying Prozac and Huggies at the baby super store?

Recession? What Recession?

This headline from Fox News: "Full-Frontal Nude Madonna Photo Sells for $37,500"

Seriously? Where the hell have you been? You haven't seen Madonna nude? Who hasn't seen Madonna nude? I read somewhere that Madonna nude was one of the 10 most recognizable objects in the world right behind the Statue of Liberty, the Eiffel Tower and Paris Hilton's cooter.

And to make things worse you spend $37,500 so you can see her nude? It's called the Internet you moron. Go to Google Image Search and type in "Madonna naked". There, I just saved you 37 thousand dollars.

I want 10 percent.

I get paid to screw people. I love being a Senator.

From the New Orleans Times-Picayune: "Porn star Stormy Daniels considering a run against Sen. David Vitter"

Okay...other than her obvious professional assets, is she qualified? What are her positions? Is she capable of dominating any opponent? When push comes to shove, will she be in it for the long haul or is this just a quickie candidate in it for the fun?

Oh man, like shooting fish in a barrel. I have to stop.

But seriously, this is the kind of politics I hate. It is pretty clear that this is about keeping sex an issue throughout the campaign because Vitter is a whore. Or more accurately, he paid for whores. His digits were found in the D.C. Madam's book and now someone wants to make sure no one forgets this little nugget next election cycle.

Listen, if Stormy Daniels wants to run for Senate, this is America where any little girl can grow up to be a porn star/politician. Knock yourself out, Stormy. But if this is nothing but a political stunt -- even if he is a Republican -- someone ought to be ashamed.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Blago, Superbowl and Other Shit

Blago

Okay, the first thing that I have to say is that the whole impeachment of Gov. Blago is a giant colonoscopy for those of us in IL. It was uncomfortable, showed what we expected and we felt no relief until they pulled that sucker out of the orifice.

That being said, I'm not convinced he did anything truly criminal. Slimy? Yes. Wrong? Probably. Illegal? Perhaps not. Until a jury says "guilty", that loud-mouthed, slime ball, asshole is innocent. That's the rule of law that protects you and me and money-grubbing, corrupt politicians.

SuperBowl

Alex, the blond hairdo on the sideline reporting for NBC just quoted F. Scotts Fitzgerald. Scotts is a discount toilet tissue honey, not a great American author.

Other Shit

My mother-in-law is doing okay. She is undergoing chemo and is losing her hair. I'm trying to keep her humor up and she seems to be okay. We'll see what happens. I just wish my wife could relax a little. She is wound as tight as a two dollar watch. But you can't blame her, this is a hard thing to handle and she's been doing a great job. She has shown a lot of strength and I'm very proud of her.

I have to go to Reno for work in 5 weeks or so.

Fucking Reno.

Other than gambling and whorehouses, what is there to do in Reno? Seriously. I need something to do that doesn't involve paying for sex or risking money I can't afford to lose.

Any ideas?

Michael Phelps

It turns out that Michael Phelps got caught on camera smoking a little Mary Jane.

I don't care if he wants to blow a 4-foot graphics while The Doors Soft Parade plays on an endless loop. Just don't do it in front of a camera.

Oh well. It doesn't take an I.Q. of 140 to swim fast, but you don't have to be a MENSA member to know that smoking dope in public isn't a good idea for an Olympic athlete.

That is unless you are competing in the 100 yard toke.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Welcome President Obama

I just watched the swearing in and Obama's address. All I can say is....wow.

This is the end...

Let the healing begin. George Bush, the worst president since Hoover and maybe of all time will be walking out of the White House today. It seems like an eternity since he first took office. Time certainly doesn't fly while your country is being run into the ground.

I am hoping to watch the swearing in live, I hope you all have the opportunity to do the same.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Guilty Pleasures

We all have them. They are the things that we are not proud of but love anyway. Maybe it’s a bad song or movie or strange food, but we’ve all got ‘em. So, instead of being a jerk and tagging fellow bloggers with some crappy questionnaire, I’m just going to fess up and encourage others to do the same. In no particular order of shame are some of my guilty pleasures.

Benchwarmers

This might be one of the dumbest movies ever produced, but it has two things that make it a movie I just keep throwing back in the DVD player. First, baseball. My wife and I have probably seen 98 percent of the baseball movies ever made. Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, For the Love of the Game, Bad News Bears, A League of Their Own, Sandlot and oh so many more. If there is baseball as a central theme, we’re going to see it.

It also has a good cast. David Spade, Jon Lovitz, Rob Schnieder, that Napolean Dynamite guy and others. It is filled with fart jokes, piss jokes, midget gags, slap stick pro ath-a-lete (movie reference!) cameos, and is quite frankly a movie you can’t believe you’re not only watching, but laughing at. (In a place where they end their sentences in prepositions.) What other movie has Reggie Jackson riding around in the back of a pick-up truck bashing mail boxes with a baseball bat. It is nerds vs. jocks and I smile just thinking about it.

Celebrity Skin – Hole
Vapid pop-rock by an okay band with a train wreck of a lead singer is the only way I can think to describe this album. It has Courtney Love for God sake. She can barely sing. The only reason she ever got famous was by fucking Kurt Cobain! And yet, I listen to this album pretty regularly. I love the lead track, I think Awful is a good tune and all in all, it makes my toes tap and the miles go by when I’m in the car.

Spongebob Squarepants

If you haven’t watched Spongebob on Nickelodeon, go now. It is flush with both subtle and obvious humor. And if you haven’t seen the Spongebob Movie, rent it now. Yes, it is childish, but it is also smart. When Spongebob and Patrick are passed out at the ice cream parlor in a childish representation of an all night drunk, it is special. This isn’t the usual Nick crap. It uses parody and satire well above the level of most kids. But at the same time my kids love it! Watch Spongebob, I dare you not to get hooked.

Celebrity Poker Showdown

I miss this show. I used to sit up at night watching it on Bravo after my wife and kids went to bed. It was nothing more than celebrities playing Texas Hold-em for charity but Dave Foley as the drunken host, Robert (Shuffle up and deal) Thompson as the tournament director and all those silly celebs drinking and playing cards were a riot. It was particularly good when you had a tiny waif like Mena Suvari taking on an ex-football player like The Bus Bettis for the tournament title. That’s the kind of reality TV I like. No voting to get kicked off the island, no eating raw African sea slugs, just a bunch of second tier celebrities doing something they don’t normally do for the entertainment of people like me so that orphan kids or neutered cats can get a few extra bucks.

Pizza Puffs

Total crap food. They are more chemical than food stuff but I love them. They are spicy, cheesy and wonderful. I’ve been known to make an entire box and munch them in front of a sporting event or movie that my wife doesn’t feel the need to watch. When you bite down and the sauce dribbles down your chin, just grab a beer and a napkin and thank your maker that you live in a country where such bliss is possible. No wonder I’m getting fat. I must have more sex because it is the only thing that’s really better.

The Superficial

TheSuperficial.com is a snarky, profane celebrity gossip Web site. In the end, I honestly don’t give a shit what is going on in the lives of most “celebs.” But the pithy, brutal writing combined with the irreverent, crass tone makes it a must read. The Intertubes answer to the grocery store checkout line, the Superficial has something that the National Enquirer will never have, a rapier wit with little or no care about political correctness. And yet, it has a subtle intelligence that would be lost on most of the curlers and soap opera crowd. And occasionally, you get to see Britney Spears' cooter…not that we all haven’t seen it already.

Well, that’s round one. I am both ashamed and relieved to have shared this. I no longer have to secretly scan the TV Guide to see if Bravo is showing the great Jennifer Tilly episode of Celebrity Poker Showdown. I can walk through the checkout with my head held high as I buy four boxes of Pizza Puffs. Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, I’m free at last.

I encourage all of you. Open your souls and admit your guilty pleasures. I promise you’ll be a better person for it. Besides, my shame needs company. If you’ll write a post admitting your guilty pleasures, I’ll link back. I promise.