Monday, October 01, 2012

Five Things We Don't Tell You

As a straight married guy who has been around the block once or twice, I just what to share a few things with my female friends.  You see, we lie now and then.  Mostly out of self-preservation.  Regardless of how insensitive we may seem, we do get the basics and these little lies help us stay both sane and safe.  Now, before you have a cow, be warned: This post is full of generalizations. Not all women or men act the same way. Your man may not think exactly this way and you maybe more enlightened than your neighbor.  So take this post with a grain or two of salt and save your disgust for more important things, like youth violence or world hunger.

Without further ado, the top five things married men don't tell their wives.
5) "Yes, we think she's pretty."

Depending on the day, we know there's an excellent chance you aren't really asking about her, you are really asking if we think YOU are pretty.  We do.  We also think she's pretty. It isn't a zero sum game for us. I think Maggie Gyllenhaal is pretty, I think Mila Kunis is pretty, I think Sara Ramirez is pretty and I think my wife is pretty.  Tall or short, fat or thin, blond, brunette or redhead, they can all be pretty. But we aren't likely to admit it when we think the question is really, "Do you think I'm pretty."

Just listen to women talk to each other in private and you will soon learn that they are constantly comparing themselves to other women. This a fairly foreign concept to a man. That is why a man will tell a woman something like "You look beautiful in that dress." while a woman will say, "Your dress is so much prettier than hers." The only things that your average married man will compare to other men are obviously measurable things like golf scores and penis length.
4) "It didn't really take an hour to buy that fertilizer, I just needed the time away."

You dilly-dally at the grocery store and we meander at the hardware store. We aren't really shopping, it is just a good place to clear our heads and have some quiet time.  The smell of fresh cut lumber and paint just make us feel comfortable.  Remember, we are just like you, we need to have a little respite from the daily grind too.  In simplest terms, we just want a break from searching the house for the note that came home from school or listening to a lecture on why our way of doing the dishes is fundamentally flawed.

3) "Actually, we don't have to be there for another 20 minutes."

We lie to you about when things start because you can't help but push the envelope on departure times and it makes us crazy.  Whenever possible we fudge the needed time of arrival so we aren't flying out of the house just to get to get there 15 minutes late. It makes you crazy when the kids do it, it makes us crazy when you do it.

2) "No, that baby isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen."

Honestly, babies just aren't that interesting to us.  They look like big cash black holes whose single purpose in life is to eat, shit, scream and make their parents into sleepless, broke zombies.  We like kids, hell, we love them.  But we prefer them after they have passed the house plant stage.  Once they start to really talk and move and reason and hit baseballs, then we can't get enough of them.  But the whole baby/toddler thing is really just a phase we have to endure to get to the good part.

1) "Yes, that makes you look fat."

Honestly, you know it does.  If we made more money we would let you buy nothing but specially tailored clothes hand picked  by a professional stylist that make you look like a movie star, but we don't so you have to make do with what you have.  Besides, half the time we're pretty sure you aren't looking for our opinion, you are really looking for permission to wear it anyway because you don't really want to get redressed.  Bottom line: You look great as far as we are concerned. (See Item Number 5)  We just want to get the hell out of the house so that we can get there on time.

Well, there you go. I have spilled the beans.  Try not to judge your man to harshly, he can't help it really.  It is just the way he is made.  He still loves you, he still thinks you are pretty, he still wants to go places with you.  He just doesn't want the drama that the truth is going to cause. He does it to keep you happy and him safe from your wrath.  Can you blame him?


Unknown said...

Glad to have you back! Thanks for the insight!

Martini said...

Those were some awesome beans. Thanks for spilling. Great post.