Just checking in...

We had the memorial service for my father-in-law on Thursday. It went well.

I hope to be better at posting in the coming weeks.

Thanks for your patience.

Quick Hits: Now with Child

Howdy kids!

I've been dealing with way too much and haven't had the time or inclination to blog, but I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was still sucking air by posting a couple of Quick Hits.

Bringing Up Baby

File this in the "I'm not Surprised" file. Bristol Palin is now a single mom after she broke up with the father of her baby. I guess teenage hockey players don't make the best fathers after all. I bet he plays forward...all shooting and scoring but no defense.

No one should be surprised. According to a quote in a Chicago Tribune story from Bill Albert, chief program officer for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, less than 8 percent of teen mothers marry the father of their child within a year of the child's birth.

Why?

Teenage boys are whores. Walking talking hormones with perpetual erections. Nature meant it that way.

The sooner we own up to the fact that teenage boys will say and do nearly anything to get some trim, the sooner we will agree with Bristol Palin herself who said that teaching teens abstinence is "not realistic at all."

Just Because You Can...

Octomom. I....well....hell. I don't know what to say except why didn't someone stop her.

Octuplets' mother says she's buying larger home

No shit.

I Like Animals. R.I.P. Socks

In a previous life, I worked in the Clinton Administration at the Commerce Department. I was one of hundreds political appointees, but it is an experience I will always cherish. As part of that time I saw a lot of really cool and amazing things. I witnessed state arrivals of foreign dignitaries on the west lawn. I attended inaugural balls. I sat in the President's Box at the Kennedy Center while the rest of the house looked up to see, "Who is that funny looking guy I don't recognize?"

But one rainy morning when I was walking into my office on the fourth floor of the Hoover Building (Commerce Department) I saw a big guy in a dark suit walking down the hall with a cat on a leash. It wasn't just any cat, it was the first cat. Socks was out for an early morning stroll and because of the weather, socks was walking the halls of the Commerce Department.

It was a nice cat. I'm glad it lived the full life it did. Rest in Peace Socks.

Clintons bid farewell to Socks the cat, age 20

Just Too Silly Not To Post

I saw this on BoingBoing.net and had to share.

In The News

It is part of my job to watch the news. Sometimes headlines and stories just stand out. Here are a few examples from the past week.

Headline of the week

From CNN.com:"Palin Unamused by Family Planning Stunt"

What happened? Did Bristol buy a box of condoms at the Quik-E-Mart on her way home from buying Prozac and Huggies at the baby super store?

Recession? What Recession?

This headline from Fox News: "Full-Frontal Nude Madonna Photo Sells for $37,500"

Seriously? Where the hell have you been? You haven't seen Madonna nude? Who hasn't seen Madonna nude? I read somewhere that Madonna nude was one of the 10 most recognizable objects in the world right behind the Statue of Liberty, the Eiffel Tower and Paris Hilton's cooter.

And to make things worse you spend $37,500 so you can see her nude? It's called the Internet you moron. Go to Google Image Search and type in "Madonna naked". There, I just saved you 37 thousand dollars.

I want 10 percent.

I get paid to screw people. I love being a Senator.

From the New Orleans Times-Picayune: "Porn star Stormy Daniels considering a run against Sen. David Vitter"

Okay...other than her obvious professional assets, is she qualified? What are her positions? Is she capable of dominating any opponent? When push comes to shove, will she be in it for the long haul or is this just a quickie candidate in it for the fun?

Oh man, like shooting fish in a barrel. I have to stop.

But seriously, this is the kind of politics I hate. It is pretty clear that this is about keeping sex an issue throughout the campaign because Vitter is a whore. Or more accurately, he paid for whores. His digits were found in the D.C. Madam's book and now someone wants to make sure no one forgets this little nugget next election cycle.

Listen, if Stormy Daniels wants to run for Senate, this is America where any little girl can grow up to be a porn star/politician. Knock yourself out, Stormy. But if this is nothing but a political stunt -- even if he is a Republican -- someone ought to be ashamed.

Blago, Superbowl and Other Shit

Blago

Okay, the first thing that I have to say is that the whole impeachment of Gov. Blago is a giant colonoscopy for those of us in IL. It was uncomfortable, showed what we expected and we felt no relief until they pulled that sucker out of the orifice.

That being said, I'm not convinced he did anything truly criminal. Slimy? Yes. Wrong? Probably. Illegal? Perhaps not. Until a jury says "guilty", that loud-mouthed, slime ball, asshole is innocent. That's the rule of law that protects you and me and money-grubbing, corrupt politicians.

SuperBowl

Alex, the blond hairdo on the sideline reporting for NBC just quoted F. Scotts Fitzgerald. Scotts is a discount toilet tissue honey, not a great American author.

Other Shit

My mother-in-law is doing okay. She is undergoing chemo and is losing her hair. I'm trying to keep her humor up and she seems to be okay. We'll see what happens. I just wish my wife could relax a little. She is wound as tight as a two dollar watch. But you can't blame her, this is a hard thing to handle and she's been doing a great job. She has shown a lot of strength and I'm very proud of her.

I have to go to Reno for work in 5 weeks or so.

Fucking Reno.

Other than gambling and whorehouses, what is there to do in Reno? Seriously. I need something to do that doesn't involve paying for sex or risking money I can't afford to lose.

Any ideas?

Michael Phelps

It turns out that Michael Phelps got caught on camera smoking a little Mary Jane.

I don't care if he wants to blow a 4-foot graphics while The Doors Soft Parade plays on an endless loop. Just don't do it in front of a camera.

Oh well. It doesn't take an I.Q. of 140 to swim fast, but you don't have to be a MENSA member to know that smoking dope in public isn't a good idea for an Olympic athlete.

That is unless you are competing in the 100 yard toke.

Welcome President Obama

I just watched the swearing in and Obama's address. All I can say is....wow.

This is the end...

Let the healing begin. George Bush, the worst president since Hoover and maybe of all time will be walking out of the White House today. It seems like an eternity since he first took office. Time certainly doesn't fly while your country is being run into the ground.

I am hoping to watch the swearing in live, I hope you all have the opportunity to do the same.

Guilty Pleasures

We all have them. They are the things that we are not proud of but love anyway. Maybe it’s a bad song or movie or strange food, but we’ve all got ‘em. So, instead of being a jerk and tagging fellow bloggers with some crappy questionnaire, I’m just going to fess up and encourage others to do the same. In no particular order of shame are some of my guilty pleasures.

Benchwarmers

This might be one of the dumbest movies ever produced, but it has two things that make it a movie I just keep throwing back in the DVD player. First, baseball. My wife and I have probably seen 98 percent of the baseball movies ever made. Field of Dreams, Bull Durham, For the Love of the Game, Bad News Bears, A League of Their Own, Sandlot and oh so many more. If there is baseball as a central theme, we’re going to see it.

It also has a good cast. David Spade, Jon Lovitz, Rob Schnieder, that Napolean Dynamite guy and others. It is filled with fart jokes, piss jokes, midget gags, slap stick pro ath-a-lete (movie reference!) cameos, and is quite frankly a movie you can’t believe you’re not only watching, but laughing at. (In a place where they end their sentences in prepositions.) What other movie has Reggie Jackson riding around in the back of a pick-up truck bashing mail boxes with a baseball bat. It is nerds vs. jocks and I smile just thinking about it.

Celebrity Skin – Hole
Vapid pop-rock by an okay band with a train wreck of a lead singer is the only way I can think to describe this album. It has Courtney Love for God sake. She can barely sing. The only reason she ever got famous was by fucking Kurt Cobain! And yet, I listen to this album pretty regularly. I love the lead track, I think Awful is a good tune and all in all, it makes my toes tap and the miles go by when I’m in the car.

Spongebob Squarepants

If you haven’t watched Spongebob on Nickelodeon, go now. It is flush with both subtle and obvious humor. And if you haven’t seen the Spongebob Movie, rent it now. Yes, it is childish, but it is also smart. When Spongebob and Patrick are passed out at the ice cream parlor in a childish representation of an all night drunk, it is special. This isn’t the usual Nick crap. It uses parody and satire well above the level of most kids. But at the same time my kids love it! Watch Spongebob, I dare you not to get hooked.

Celebrity Poker Showdown

I miss this show. I used to sit up at night watching it on Bravo after my wife and kids went to bed. It was nothing more than celebrities playing Texas Hold-em for charity but Dave Foley as the drunken host, Robert (Shuffle up and deal) Thompson as the tournament director and all those silly celebs drinking and playing cards were a riot. It was particularly good when you had a tiny waif like Mena Suvari taking on an ex-football player like The Bus Bettis for the tournament title. That’s the kind of reality TV I like. No voting to get kicked off the island, no eating raw African sea slugs, just a bunch of second tier celebrities doing something they don’t normally do for the entertainment of people like me so that orphan kids or neutered cats can get a few extra bucks.

Pizza Puffs

Total crap food. They are more chemical than food stuff but I love them. They are spicy, cheesy and wonderful. I’ve been known to make an entire box and munch them in front of a sporting event or movie that my wife doesn’t feel the need to watch. When you bite down and the sauce dribbles down your chin, just grab a beer and a napkin and thank your maker that you live in a country where such bliss is possible. No wonder I’m getting fat. I must have more sex because it is the only thing that’s really better.

The Superficial

TheSuperficial.com is a snarky, profane celebrity gossip Web site. In the end, I honestly don’t give a shit what is going on in the lives of most “celebs.” But the pithy, brutal writing combined with the irreverent, crass tone makes it a must read. The Intertubes answer to the grocery store checkout line, the Superficial has something that the National Enquirer will never have, a rapier wit with little or no care about political correctness. And yet, it has a subtle intelligence that would be lost on most of the curlers and soap opera crowd. And occasionally, you get to see Britney Spears' cooter…not that we all haven’t seen it already.

Well, that’s round one. I am both ashamed and relieved to have shared this. I no longer have to secretly scan the TV Guide to see if Bravo is showing the great Jennifer Tilly episode of Celebrity Poker Showdown. I can walk through the checkout with my head held high as I buy four boxes of Pizza Puffs. Free at last, free at last. Thank God almighty, I’m free at last.

I encourage all of you. Open your souls and admit your guilty pleasures. I promise you’ll be a better person for it. Besides, my shame needs company. If you’ll write a post admitting your guilty pleasures, I’ll link back. I promise.

Gotta Watch That Wikipedia

My buddy Phil was curious about Congressman Bobby Rush having read about him in the coverage of Gov. Blagos indictment. So off to Wikipedia he goes and what he found was this:


Allow me to zoom in on the last sentence of the first paragraph.



Whether or not he is an asshole or a racist, I couldn't say, but clearly someone had some fun at Bobby and Wikipedia's expense.

Needless to say, when Phil went back later, it was gone. Even if it wasn't true, you have to have a certain affinity for the clarity of the statement. If only all reference materials were that pithy and direct.