Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Ho Tax -- Stiffer Penalties for Servicing Stiffies

You have to love Sen. Charles Grassley from the Great State of Iowa. This is a guy that no one thought would amount to much. Back in 1980 when he was the young senator from Iowa along with Roger Jepsen, he was the smarter half of the team known as "Those guys from Iowa, you know, Tweedledum and Tweedledummer."

But then he did something that made him a hero back home, he pushed around some Pentagon uniform with a body in it about over out of control defense spending. Nothing plays better in Des Moines than pushing some General up against a wall because he's spending 600 bucks a piece for toilet seats. Suddenly, Chuck was the real deal and the folks at home loved him.

Now he's the chairman of the powerful Senate Finance Committee and probably in his seat from Iowa until he either dies or wanders away from the DC retirement home known as the Hart Senate Office Building.

But until that time comes, Chuck isn't sitting on his past glory. He's got more fish to fry, and this time he's targeting pimps and hos.

Yes, that's right. I said pimps and hos. Hookers and Madams. Ladies of the Evening. Streetwalkers. Workers in the World's Oldest Profession. Chuck thinks he has the answer to the vast prostitution problem in Iowa and the rest of the country.

Taxes. He wants pimps to make their hookers fill-out W2 forms and pay withholding taxes or face ten years in the federal pen on tax charges.

I am not defending pimps, but this is just stupid. It was brilliant to get Al Capone on tax evasion, but sending the IRS out after armed pimps is just dopey. Accountants pay pimps, not arrest them.

Besides, all this will do is increase the quality of the prostitution operation. That's right, like the war on drugs, this move will only increase the cost and quality of the hookers available. By making them pay taxes, you are going to force them to become more professional, more business-like. Escort services will flourish and prostitution will be legitimized.

Also, does Sen. Grassley honestly think that the average pimp on the street is paying income taxes anyway? No way. Whoring is a cash business. If you wanted to take them down for tax evasion, you could do that today. You could even have a cool street name for it. Pimps all across the country would be talking about how the pimp up the street was doing time "'cause he got Caponed."

Senator, do us all a favor. Stick to messing with the Pentagon when they are screwing the American taxpayers and leave the pimps to the local Vice squad. They are the real experts when it comes to stopping hookers from screwing the taxpayers for money.

GOP Senator Calls For Pimp Tax

Monday, June 26, 2006

Camels, Needles and Rich Guys

Well, it would appear that someone has been reading the Book of Matthew recently. Anyone picked Buffet for the Dead Pool yet? He sure is acting like someone who recently got some bad medical news.

Hey, I'm not complaining. I think this is exactly the kind of thing the mega-rich ought to be doing.

Buffett to begin giving fortune away to charities

For those of you who don't get the reference: Verse 24

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Happy Birthday Coralie and Tatiana

Zoe, the genius behind has a couple of daughters who are celebrating a birthday today. Go leave a nice congrats message in her comments section.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Helen the Hottie

America is such a strange place. On one hand, we jump with glee because our military successfully dropped one ton of bombs on a house and killed a man. (Yes, a murderer, I know -- did I say anything about justice? Did you think I was going to go on a liberal rant against the war? Well I'm not going to, not today.) On the other hand, folks get their knickers in a twist because Iowa Congressman Steve King says that the man we killed won't be getting his 72 virgins in heaven and instead will get 72 Helen Thomas look-a-likes in hell.

Iowa Congressman Apologizes for Jest

When did it become o.k. to revel in death but a social sin to suggest that Helen Thomas is not a supermodel virgin? (Is "supermodel virgin" an oxymoron?) We need a little perspective people. Allow me to offer it in the form of a photo of Helen Thomas

I think this says it all. Now, can we all just forget this kind of silliness and have a dose of common sense with our political correctness. She's not pretty and I'm sure she isn't what your average Islamic martyr has in mind when he is thinking of his heavenly reward. Besides, it's a funny line and that's a rare thing coming from a Republican Congressman from Iowa. So, give the guy a break, having a sense of humor shouldn't be something for which you have to apologize.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Women Can't Be This Pathetic

How absolutely self-loathing a person do you have to be to buy clothes because the label says they are a smaller size? It's pathetic.

To all of the women in the world, I'd like to let you in on a secret...unless you're obese, men don't really care what you weigh. In fact, we'd rather you look like a woman and not a 12 year-old boy. (Okay, I'm not speaking for Michael Jackson or your local priest, but the rest of us would rather you looked like a woman.),2933,200347,00.html

Thursday, June 15, 2006

You Mean I Can Be A Man Again?

This week, the Chicago Tribune published a story about how the popularity of the Metrosexual man was on the wane and it was okay to be a real man again. They pointed to the popularity of a new ad campaign for a popular beer that shows B and C-List male celebrities discussing "man-laws". These laws tackle the weighty issues of how long do you have to wait you date your friend's hottie ex-girlfriend and is it okay to take the leftover beer you brought to a party home with you when you leave? (Six weeks or a new haircut, which ever comes first and you can take one for the road.)

Now, I'm not one to take my culture clues from beer commercials. If I did, I'd be surrounded by scantily clad swimwear models holding ice cold beer while I enjoyed a sporting event. (Note to current source of cultural clues.) But if this is what it takes to shove these calorie counting, facial using, over moisterized, Prada wearing wussies back into the Bloomingdales changing room where they belong, then I'm good with that.

That's right, the pendulum has finally swung back in the direction of real men, and it's about f&$@king time. I'm a man damn it. I fart and belch. I get dirty and don't really care, shit...I enjoy it. I choose to wear certain clothing because it is climate appropriate, not because it makes "my eyes pop." And skin care to me is resisting that urge to pick the scab on my knee -- you know the one ladies, the one I got reliving my glory days by playing softball with a bunch of other men like me.

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against personal hygiene and I've been known to dress rather well from time to time. I just don't believe that fashion and vanity should be considered a lifestyle. You can't build a positive self-image based on skin care products and designer clothing. You have to accept who you are and embrace it, enjoy it, and wear it with pride.

I hope that I can teach my daughters that. It wasn't particularly difficult for me to ignore the Metrosexual Movement and be happy with who I am, I just hope they can avoid the ten-fold greater pressure to conform that girls/women face today and be secure in who they are. So far, it shouldn't be hard. They are both shaping up to be Nobel Peace Prize winning swim suit models with great taste in men. I love it when they say, "Boys are just icky."

Saturday, June 10, 2006

A Prairie Home Slam

With Ineptitude on Full Display, the
Party's Over for Republicans
by Garrison Keillor

People who live in mud huts should not throw mud, especially if it comes from their own roofs. As Scripture says, don't point to the speck in your neighbor's eye when you have a piece of kindling in your own.

I see by the papers that the Republicans want to make an issue of Nancy Pelosi in the congressional races this fall: Would you want a San Francisco woman to be Speaker of the House.

Will the podium be repainted in lavender stripes with a disco ball overhead? Will she be borne into the chamber by male dancers with glistening torsos and wearing pink tutus? After all, in the unique worldview of old elephants, "San Francisco" is a code word for "g-a-y," and after assembling a record of government lies, incompetence and disaster, the party in power hopes that the fear of g-a-y-s will pull it through in November.

Running against Ms. Pelosi, a woman who comes from a district where there are known gay persons, is a nice trick, but it does draw attention to the large shambling galoot who is speaker now, Tom DeLay's enabler for years, a man who, judging by his public mutterances, is about as smart as most high school wrestling coaches.

Read the rest here: Garrison Keillor

Thursday, June 08, 2006

The Red Coats are Coming

Am I the only one who feels like we are fighting the wrong war, with the wrong weapons, at the wrong time? Yesterday's news of the US killing Ooper-Zowie in a airstrike is a perfect example. This loathsome terrorist is dead, America and others call it a "step forward" and a "victory", and the next day dozens of people die in terror bombings.

There has to be times that our troops feel like the British during the revolutionary war when the Americans quit marching out in a straight line and instead started hiding behind trees.

Monday, June 05, 2006

National Marry a Lesbian Day

As I sat in front of my morning newspaper this morning (For all you children out there, that's the big paper thing with the words and pictures on it that your parents use to swat the dog.) I was reading about the biggest issue facing America today. How big you ask? So big that our President wants to amend the very document that shapes our rights as citizens, the very document that serves as the cornerstone of our legal system. So important is this issue that it can't possibly be left to the states or mere federal law but requires a change to the constitution itself.

That's right, I'm talking about Gay Marriage.

According to our President, "Ages of experience have taught us that the commitment of a husband and wife to love and to serve one another promotes the welfare of children and the stability of society. Government, by recognizing and protecting marriage, serves the interests of all."

Exactly how stupid does he think we are? Does he honestly believe that the average American cares if the two women living next door with their three cats and two children from a third world country have been through some ceremony? I don't. What I do think is that most Americans would like to see that those children have all the rights and benefits to which they are entitled. And that includes the health and wellbeing of their parents.

Bush and his political hacks are confusing the issue of marriage for political reasons. They are trying to shore-up the religious right and prove that the Republican's are still their horse in the race. They want to have a wedge issue that they can drive between the suburbs and the cities, the minorities and the Democrats. But it is a false issue, a phantom created to electrify a portion of the electorate. It is a Hallmark Holiday issue, created solely to sell the Republicans as the moral compass of the country.

The real issue here is whether or not domestic partners can receive and share the same benefits as straight married people. It is about rights, not religious morals. Should gays have access to healthcare? Should the children of lesbian couples be as secure as those of straight couples? Should gays couples be allowed the same rights in divorce and death as straight couples? Those are the questions, not whether or not the very existence of the lesbians next door is somehow eroding the sanctity of my marriage. As a married person, I can tell you that they aren't.

The bottom line is this. If a church will marry two people, it is none of the State's business. This country was founded on that ideal. Now we have to decide if those people should be given the same rights as other citizens, and as equal rights is also a founding principle of the US, then I say yes, regardless of what the bible thumpers may say about it.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Damned for All Time

My world changed the other day when I asked my soon to be eleven year-old daughter to do something simple like "Put away your stuff, it's time for bed" and she said "No".

Excuse me?

"No dad, I'm busy."

According to my wife, the creature that used to be my sweet, accommodating, always willing to please daughter started growing armpit hair sometime in the past few months. It is the beginning of the end for me.

You see, the beast that is growing under her arms is apparently talking to my daughter, wooing her away from me and I know that I can't compete. Soon, the beast will introduce her to those wily, mop-topped, squeaky voiced things called teenage boys and I will no longer be relevant -- except as a walking ATM. I know the transformation is slow and the metamorphosis is a long way from being complete, but I miss her already. Unfortunately, I see a light at the end of the tunnel and as sure as I am Elmer Fudd, it's a train engine not salvation.

So this weekend, I think I'll make a couple of trips to Home Depot and IKEA. I might as well start outfitting the backyard shed now while the weather is good because like the pet that has fallen out of favor, I'm soon to be relegated to the doghouse.

Besides, once puberty actually hits full force and she and my wife start "cycling" together, I'm pretty sure the shed is going to be the safest place me -- the only estrogen challenged creature in the house.