Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Teeing Up Tiger's Balls

If there is one lesson this Tiger Woods business should teach us, it is that if you are a mega-star with millions of dollars riding on your public image, you are much better off not being married.  That's right, if you are a rising superstar who has the urge to diddle a wide variety of trim, then you shouldn't marry.  You shouldn't even marry a smoking hot, norse-goddess of a model.

But if you choose to marry said model, then you have to eat at home.  That's right, it doesn't matter how rich you are, banging cocktail waitresses and party planners instead of your wife isn't ever going to end well.

Now, if you're not married, you can pretty much sleep with anyone you want.  Just ask George Clooney.  He was sleeping with a waitress for months and all anyone ever thought was "Ohhhh, how Pretty Woman....How Cinderella!  Isn't that nice, George isn't stuck up."

(Important note - This also was translated by the fucked up subconscious of millions of women that George Clooney might actually be willing to sleep with them.  It probably just added ten years to his career.)

But who cares!  You're Tiger F-ing Woods, you can do whatever you fucking want, right?  Wrong.  You put a ring on her finger and had kids and parlayed that into a part of the wholesome image you sold to corporate America to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars.  That was a big mistake if what you really wanted to do was use your celebrity as pussy bait.  Seriously, once you say "I do", the rules change.  And what would be no big deal to a single super celeb suddenly gets you on the cover of the National Enquirer and a four iron upside your head.

For example:

When you are a single superstar, you really don't care that the first thing she does once you've pulled up your drawers and hit the road is call all her friends and boast about who she just slept with.  (She probably left out the part where you called her the wrong name.) 

But for the married you, this is the exact opposite action you are looking for.  The problem is this: the whole "This is just between us..." speech you gave her on the way out the door sounded to her like an adult from the Peanuts Christmas special.  Besides, she wasn't listening anyway; she was deciding which reality show would give her the best chance at a real career in show biz.

Honestly, I don't care who Tiger or anyone else is fucking.  Hell, if Tiger wants to oil up a hairy Taiwanese transsexual and practice putting his balls from the rough, I could care less.  But once you get married, you've made a commitment that a lot of people, including your wife, take very seriously.  And that commitment includes not putting your corporate employers in a tough spot by breaking your vows with a some waitress serving up high balls and low morals.

Finally, since I'm a man, I have to point out just a couple of things.  First, we don't know what Elin did or didn't do. We have no idea what has been going on in their house.  I know one thing for sure, we don't know the whole story and speculation isn't really fair to Tiger or his family.

Secondly, if this affair is true, why would a mega millionaire superstar actually trade DOWN.  Have you seen the pictures of this chick?  Here -- a little comparison of Tiger's wife and the woman claiming to have had the affair with Tiger.

Tiger's Wife Elin Nordegren:

Tiger's (Alleged) Tart Jaimee Grubbs:

If you're going to cheat on that, at least make it with someone in the same league.  This chick might as well have a "Gold Digger" tramp stamp.  But what the hell would I know.  Maybe he has a thing for reality show tarts.  Maybe she has some sort of mad skills that make her a Siren to guys like Tiger.  But to me, this looks like the Cubs trading future Hall of Famer Lou Brock for future nothing Ernie Broglio. 

I just hope, for Tiger's sake, that his fans have a shorter memory than Cubs fans.


Phil said...

You are right. Just look at Derek Jeter. He is the SI sportsman of the year and plays the field like no other. Nobody says a word about it because he is single. Tom Brady better keep it in his pants though!

Anonymous said...

waiting for next post