Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year

It is just hours away from 2010 and I want to wave goodbye to the 00's. 

My wife and kids are good and my job is going well.  My checkbook is less than stellar and my trek to the great reward is one year shorter.

I guess that makes the year a wash.  The Zen part of my soul is telling me that is is exactly the way it is supposed to be, the Ying and the Yang are in balance and I should just be.

So, I guess for the rest of 2009, I will listen and wallow in my inner peace.  But starting at 12:01am, I'm gonna be pissed again.  I'm going to rant again.  I'm going to call'em like I see'em.  I hope you'll pop by now and then, otherwise I'm nothing more than a cyber version of the guy sitting on the sewer grate outside the White House with a sign in his hand and voices in his head. 

So from the voices in my head and the family in my home I wish each of you a wonderful new year.  To quote Col. Potter:

"Let's hope it's a damn sight better than the last one."

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Peanuts Characters - The Later Years (Part II)

I've gotten some nice feedback on part one of this little adventure. Perhaps the most vocal so far has been my wife who said that there is no way Pig Pen grew up to be Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs. Pig Pen isn’t good looking enough she says. Instead, she thinks Pig Pen would have been removed from his home by Child Protective Services. Yeah...maybe. But I stand by my ending. If there is a happy ending for Pig Pen, it’s turning getting dirty into a high paying profession.

While I certainly tried to make this humorous, as my assistant and others at work could attest, I have agonized over each of these as well. I want these endings to be more than plausible, I want them to be logical, likely even. And while you may feel the way my wife does, I hope you’ll agree that this could very well be the way these characters ended up after the end of Peanuts.

So, without further ado, here is Part II of Peanuts Characters: The Later Years.


Snoopy was perhaps the most successful of all the Peanuts gang. He parlayed all the early attention into a long running gig as the spokesdog for Met Life insurance. But, like most things, it didn't last forever. He and his pal Woodstock were shooting a commercial with the Met Life blimp when Woodstock accidentally got sucked into one of the blimp's props. It was a tragedy from which Snoopy never fully recovered. Between the bad press, questions about Woodstock’s pharmaceutical intake, and Snoopy’s heartfelt remorse about the passing of his dear friend, the gig with Met Life was soured beyond repair and so he ended his relationship with the company.

When he left Met Life, he returned home to his doghouse. Snoopy was at heart a simple hound with few needs. He wanted regular meals, his root beer, and the opportunity to write. So after leaving Met Life, he wrote his memoirs and they were an instant success. Titled It was a Dark and Stormy Night, Snoopy's book spent 15 weeks on the New York Times best seller list selling hundreds of thousands of copies in the U.S. alone.

With the success of the book and the money he made pitching insurance, Snoopy never had to work again. He gave heavily to charity, specifically PETA, ASPCA and Amnesty International.

Snoopy died quietly one night at the age of 16. He was found curled up in Charlie Brown’s old striped shirt; in front of the movie My Dog Skip on his big screen plasma with a half finished letter to fan that included an autographed photo of him with Woodstock, his oldest dearest friend.

Linus Van Pelt

Linus suffered for years after the run of Peanuts ended. He had a deep seeded love for Sally Brown that she obviously did not share. In an effort to get on with his life, he tried every kind of self-help group he could find. EST, scream therapy, alcoholics anonymous, if there were steps to be taken, he took them in an effort to get past his pain. But nothing seemed to help. So he decided to find his own path and developed his own self-help concept: “Embrace Your Inner Blanket”.

While he never made it as big as the ShamWow guy, Linus was mildly successful on the Holiday Inn circuit pitching mental and emotional wellness. Eventually, at the Comfort Suites in Enis Oklahoma, he met a nice, ill-adjusted, more than slightly over-weight, curly blond haired woman who grew to love him. She married him and they had a son, Linus Jr.. They had a good, happy marriage. He didn’t mind that she never lost those extra 50 or 60 pounds and she didn’t say anything when he occasionally shouted “Oh Sally!” when they had sex.

Oh, and he never did lose the blanket. He had pieces of it sewn into the lining of all his suits so that he never felt alone.

Charlie Brown

Early in life, Charlie Brown never succeeded at anything. His baseball team never won a game, he got nothing but rocks in his Trick-or-Treat bag, and he fell for the same pull the football away gag over and over again. But in the end, Charlie Brown had the last laugh.

During high school, Charlie Brown had the good fortune to sit next to a bright young man in computer class. This guy was a real whiz. But he really struggled in the rest of his subjects. He didn’t get English, History to him was whatever was on TV the week before, and gym class was just a form of medieval torture. But Charlie took pity on this kid. He helped him with his English papers, explained History to him and always picked him for his teams in gym class, even though the kid stunk on ice when it came to sports.

Just before graduation, the kid asked Charlie if he could borrow a hundred bucks. Charlie, not knowing how to say “no” gave the kid five twenties the next day. After graduation, the kid just seemed to disappear. Charlie Brown didn’t think twice about him. He had figured the hundred bucks was a goner anyway and he just hoped that the kid was doing okay.

Charlie went off to Junior College to study architectural drafting and try and convince girls to sleep with him. He was better at the first than the second, but neither endeavor was a total failure. In fact, he hooked up on a regular basis with Frieda from the old neighborhood. She wasn’t very interesting in bed, but she was willing and that was good enough for Charlie.

Two years later, just as he was about to graduate, he got a letter in mail from the kid he’d lent the hundred bucks. In the letter he found out that the kid had gone on to start his own computer company that he called Microsoft. With the letter were a one hundred dollar bill and a check for five million dollars. As the letter explained, Charlie’s one hundred bucks was the first investment in what had become the greatest software company in the world. The five million dollars was the dividend from that investment.

Charlie immediately packed up his stuff and moved to Napa Valley where he bought a small vineyard and hired a hot girl to hold a football on demand so that he can kick field goals on his private football field whenever he feels like it.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Peanuts Characters: The Later Years (Part 1)

Every year, the Great Pumpkin fails to come, Charlie Brown’s tree turns into a Rockefeller Center tree look-a-like, and the Easter beagle makes an appearance. But what has always struck me is that these kids never grow up. They had too, right? They couldn't just stay kids forever, so what happened when they grew up? Here is where I think they are today.

Lucy van Pelt

After high school, Lucy went off to college and tried to study psychiatry. She soon flunked out and after a year travelling Europe in an effort to “find herself”; she returned to the U.S. and got a job as a talk radio host in Yakima Washington. Her mixture of psycho-babble, anti-authority politics and women’s empowerment rhetoric soon made her a favorite of lesbians and libertarians alike and she is currently nationally syndicated under the radio name of Dr. Lucy Feltpetter.

Peppermint Patty

After an endless string of D- grades in high school, Patty dropped out in her junior-year and took off for California searching for her place in the world. Her love of sports landed her a wide variety of gigs, everything from a corner cut man for local boxers to the equipment manager for the Triple A Sacramento River Cats. Later she found minor fame and fortune as the "Red Bomber" on the Roller Derby circuit but had her career cut short by an ugly folding chair incident. She is currently the owner of a number of small businesses in the San Fernando Valley including three convenience stores, a roller rink, and a strip club featuring topless dancing and deep fried peppermint patties.

Sally Brown

Sally went to the University of Wisconsin where she majored in Communications, beer bongs and frat boys, often combining all three in one night stands that started with multiple beer bongs and ended with long vocalized rationalizations as to why getting drunk and screwing random frat boys didn’t really make her a slut. Her senior year she volunteered for the Clinton for President Campaign and parlayed her work there into a job with a Washington DC lobbying/public relations firm where her drinking and frat boy enticement skills are quickly getting her a reputation as one of DC’s up and coming Congressional lobbyists. She has been engaged to a congressional staffer for nearly two years, but secretly thinks getting married will hurt her career so she keeps refusing to set a date.


Marcie moved away just before high school because her homophobic parents were worried she was in love with Peppermint Patty. That wasn’t true, of course, because Marcie really had a crush on Charlie Brown. But away she went and after a few years of private tutors and excellent schools, Marcie went to MIT. There she excelled in chemistry, specifically, lubricants, polymers and plastics research. She was a lead member of the team that developed the heat shield for the space shuttle. She recently married a bioengineer she met on and they are expecting their first child Mensa member in June.


Schroeder tried as hard as he could to make it as a concert pianist, but never made the big time, having to settle for jobs like “featured soloist for the Des Moines Metropolitan Orchestra.” In order to make ends meet, he played keyboards for a local Jazz quintet and tuned pianos. After several flings with bored housewives whose pianos he “tuned” -- sometimes weekly -- he met a jazz singer who introduced him kinky sex and heroin. Eventually, Schroeder got sober and  landed a regular gig playing in the piano bar on a Caribbean cruise liner filled to the Leto deck with out of tune women.

Pig Pen

He changed his name to Mike Rowe and has a successful television program on the Discovery Channel called Dirty Jobs.

So, that's part one.  Part two will be coming soon and we'll answer the questions America has always had about some of our favorite cartoon characters, questions like: Did Linus ever lose the blanket?  Did Charlie Brown ever get to kick the football or was his life really just a bag of rocks?

Till then my friends, I'll see ya in the funny papers.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Quick Hits: Now with Porn Stars

Grab a Tiger by his Tail

Should have seen this one coming...ewww, sorry about that.  Once one infidelity comes to light, it's just a matter of time before you get more. 

Now it seems Tiger's been sticking the ol' fairway wood in more than one chick's club house.  Depending on which sleazy publication you read, the number of supposed mistresses is as high as 9.  The most salacious of which is a "porn star"  Holly Sampson who allegedly played a few extra-marital holes with the world's best golfer.  According to Internet Movie Database the 36-year-old has appeared in 11 videos this year alone, including such titles as My First Sex Teacher, Suck it Dry 6 and MILF Bone 4.

(According to the New Yorker Magazine's movie critic, Suck it Dry 6 lacked some of the depth of the first five in the series but MILF Bone 4 shows how a film series can just get better with a little maturity.)

By the way, how does one gain the title porn "star"? I mean really, what's the difference between a porn star and someone who just screws on camera a lot?  Better body?  Better delivery of lines?

Cum Karaoke With Me 6?

According to this L.A. Times article, the place for adult film pros to network is this place in Burbank called Sardo's Grill & Lounge on Porn Star Karaoke Night.

I don't know about you, but when I think about a porn star having a hidden talent, I'm not thinking singing.  Of course, maybe that's why they call them hidden talents. 

Does this mean that the next big thing in porn is going to be the musical?  Just think of the great titles: Annie Grab my Gun, A Lad In, Bye Bye Boobies, All That Jizz, the possiblilities are endless. 

Although, I'm thinking films like that would probably do better in the gay male market. If Ms. Sampson's titles from the blurb above are any indication, the straight male market wants their porn titles to be pretty...well...straight forward.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Teeing Up Tiger's Balls

If there is one lesson this Tiger Woods business should teach us, it is that if you are a mega-star with millions of dollars riding on your public image, you are much better off not being married.  That's right, if you are a rising superstar who has the urge to diddle a wide variety of trim, then you shouldn't marry.  You shouldn't even marry a smoking hot, norse-goddess of a model.

But if you choose to marry said model, then you have to eat at home.  That's right, it doesn't matter how rich you are, banging cocktail waitresses and party planners instead of your wife isn't ever going to end well.

Now, if you're not married, you can pretty much sleep with anyone you want.  Just ask George Clooney.  He was sleeping with a waitress for months and all anyone ever thought was "Ohhhh, how Pretty Woman....How Cinderella!  Isn't that nice, George isn't stuck up."

(Important note - This also was translated by the fucked up subconscious of millions of women that George Clooney might actually be willing to sleep with them.  It probably just added ten years to his career.)

But who cares!  You're Tiger F-ing Woods, you can do whatever you fucking want, right?  Wrong.  You put a ring on her finger and had kids and parlayed that into a part of the wholesome image you sold to corporate America to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars.  That was a big mistake if what you really wanted to do was use your celebrity as pussy bait.  Seriously, once you say "I do", the rules change.  And what would be no big deal to a single super celeb suddenly gets you on the cover of the National Enquirer and a four iron upside your head.

For example:

When you are a single superstar, you really don't care that the first thing she does once you've pulled up your drawers and hit the road is call all her friends and boast about who she just slept with.  (She probably left out the part where you called her the wrong name.) 

But for the married you, this is the exact opposite action you are looking for.  The problem is this: the whole "This is just between us..." speech you gave her on the way out the door sounded to her like an adult from the Peanuts Christmas special.  Besides, she wasn't listening anyway; she was deciding which reality show would give her the best chance at a real career in show biz.

Honestly, I don't care who Tiger or anyone else is fucking.  Hell, if Tiger wants to oil up a hairy Taiwanese transsexual and practice putting his balls from the rough, I could care less.  But once you get married, you've made a commitment that a lot of people, including your wife, take very seriously.  And that commitment includes not putting your corporate employers in a tough spot by breaking your vows with a some waitress serving up high balls and low morals.

Finally, since I'm a man, I have to point out just a couple of things.  First, we don't know what Elin did or didn't do. We have no idea what has been going on in their house.  I know one thing for sure, we don't know the whole story and speculation isn't really fair to Tiger or his family.

Secondly, if this affair is true, why would a mega millionaire superstar actually trade DOWN.  Have you seen the pictures of this chick?  Here -- a little comparison of Tiger's wife and the woman claiming to have had the affair with Tiger.

Tiger's Wife Elin Nordegren:

Tiger's (Alleged) Tart Jaimee Grubbs:

If you're going to cheat on that, at least make it with someone in the same league.  This chick might as well have a "Gold Digger" tramp stamp.  But what the hell would I know.  Maybe he has a thing for reality show tarts.  Maybe she has some sort of mad skills that make her a Siren to guys like Tiger.  But to me, this looks like the Cubs trading future Hall of Famer Lou Brock for future nothing Ernie Broglio. 

I just hope, for Tiger's sake, that his fans have a shorter memory than Cubs fans.