Saturday, August 28, 2010

Nostradamus Can Kiss My Butt!

On January 1st, I made my predictions for the coming year.  Yeah, unlike those pussies who look back on the year and declare the "top stories", I actually took a shot at predicting the future. (Top Stories of 2010)

As we are about two thirds the way through the year, let's see how I'm doing.

Prediction One: The Economy Continues to Sputter

I said it then and I say it now, we have done nothing to help build the ever shrinking middle class.  No good jobs means any recovery will be a house of cards.  It doesn't take a Nobel Prize winning economist to know that you need jobs to build a stable, growing economy and right now, we aren't creating jobs. Therefore, in the economic shitter we remain.

Prediction Two: Amy Winehouse Accidentally Discovers Cancer Cure

I predicted that the endless circle of drugs and hospitalizations for Ms. Winehouse would cause her pre-cancerous mole to jump ship and sue for divorce.  Unfortunately, that pharmaceutical parade has slowed to a crawl.  But I'm still holding out hope.  Some dealer somewhere is cooking up a cocktail of heroin, uranium 238 and embalming fluid and you know that Amy is gonna have to have a taste of that shit.

Prediction Three: Cubs Win World Series

You know how you go to the track and drop a quick ten bucks on that 35 to 1 horse that shares it's name with the girl who was kind enough to take your virginity?  You don't do it because you think it's going to pay off, you do it because you'd hate yourself if that horse came in and you hadn't gone to the window.  This prediction is kinda like that.  That horse never wins...and apparently neither do the Cubs who are currently 20 games below .500.

Prediction Four: Health Reform Passes, Nobody Happy (except the insurance industry)

I totally nailed this one.  Out of the damn park, don't forget to touch'em all nailed it.  No public option, mandated coverage, higher rates, Nostradamus wishes he was me.

Prediction Five: Lindsay Lohan Overdoses

I'm giving myself half credit on this one so far.  Jail is pretty close to an OD.  Besides, I still have a few months to go and Lindsay is gonna have a lot of opportunity to take that final step into drug hell.  Just look at that picture, if that isn't a woman looking to score then I'm Paris Hilton.  Seriously, Lindsay, take a little advice.  Quit buying drugs and start buying bras.

Prediction Six: Twitter Declares Bankruptcy

I'm thinking I might have just gotten a little ahead of myself on this one. With Google now giving people free telephone service, it is just a matter of time before all the interactivity of smart phones and other mobile devices makes Twitter into the buggy whip of the digital age.

Prediction Seven: Democrats Lose Seats in House, Senate

Only time will tell, but I'm still feeling pretty good about this one. The President's popularity has taken some hits, the Republicans are doing a good job of stalling any kind of meaningful progress and the "screw'em all" sentiment of the American voter is growing.  The D's are going to take a hit on election day, I just hope it's just a jab and not a hay maker.

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