State of Diversity

What do I love about America?  For the first time I am watching the State of the Union and I see three different colored people on my screen.  A black President, a white Vice-President and an orange Speaker of the House.

Quick Hits: Because Only The Good Die Young, The Rest Live Way Too Long

The Tin Man

Dick Cheney has had five heart attacks since 1978.  I think it is time for people to quit thinking of his heart issues as an illness when it is clearly an effort on his heart's part to sue for divorce. 

I'm not being glib, I'm just calling it like I see it.  Like a pissed off wife before she gets the guts to walk away for good, Dick Cheney's heart is failing to put out.

His body has been forced to go to some electronic pseudo heart to fill the void.  If his electronic "Terminator" heart was made by Halliburton, it probably cost five times what it should, but 95 percent of it was subsidized by taxpayers which is enough to make a money-grubbing, right-wing hypocrite like Cheney feel 200 percent better.

It also comes with a 20mm cannon and a self destruct button, but it won't open a bottle or take a message. Hey, what do you expect from a defense contract?

The Reaper Finally Catches Jack LaLanne

I might be in the youngest demographic that remembers seeing Jack LaLanne on TV.  I am also one of the youngest people you will ever meet who saw Elvis perform live in concert, but that is another story. 

Jack was the definition of clean living and commitment to exercise.  He is credited with opening the very first health club in Oakland in 1936.  And it was just the beginning,  Working out was a religion for Jack and his followers.  As he put it so clearly - at the age of 92:

"Billy Graham was for the hereafter. I'm for the here and now."

Well, thanks to pneumonia, Jack is no longer with us.  But for all my gym rat friends, I want to say thank you for making working out a fun, cool thing to do.  Go get'em Jack... I assume you'll have the saints up at 4am for that first jog through the Pearly Gates. That's good, they look a little soft in all the pictures, I'm sure they could use your help.


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A quick note to the new Chief of Staff

Dear Bill Daley,

Now that Rahm is off to seek your brother's old gig, it only seems fitting that you should take Rahm's.  Just do the rest of us a favor, forget the corporate tuckuses you had to endlessly kiss as Commerce Secretary and concentrate on kicking some Congressional ass.  Be a progressive, not a DLC, ignore the left, corporate cock-sucking centrist.

How?  Protect health care reform, protect Social Security, fight for middle class tax relief and return the tax rates on the rich to the levels they were at when the middle class prospered - the 1950's and 60's.  (Example - 1954 to 1963.  The top tax rate was 91%. )

Taxing the rich is good for the country, tax breaks for the rich are bad. Check out this chart:

Okay Bill, you are an educated man.  When was the Great Depression?  Oh yeah, the market crash was in October of 1929.  I bet if you look at the top marginal tax rates today, they are at just about the same level.  And we just had the grand baby of the Depression, the Great Recession.  Not scientific evidence perhaps, but it clearly indicates that cutting taxes on the wealthy does not cause the economic growth the conservatives claim it does.

Anyway.  Give the President sound guidance, be his bulldog and stiffen his resolve.  We need change and we need his leadership.  Help him provide it.

Thanks Bill and good luck.

The Top Five Stories of 2011

For the second year in a row, I am stepping out on to the thin ice.  Unlike the pussies who look back on the previous 12 months and wax poetic as to the best and the worst of the year that was, I look to the year that is coming and tell you what is going to happen before it does. 

You doubt me?  I offer up last year's predictions here.

Okay, not all of them turned out quite the way I said.  What can you expect?  This seer stuff is more of an art than a science. The Cubs didn't win the World Series, Lindsey Lohan didn't O.D. and Amy Winehouse's mole didn't cure cancer.  But the rest of the stuff was pretty spot on.  The economy still sucks, the Dems got their butts kicked in the midterms and health care reform passed and no one was really happy about what they got.

Hindsight may be 20/20, and my foresight was more like 50/50, but at least I had the guts to share what I saw.  So, without further ado, here are my predictions for the Top Stories of 2011.

1) The Economy Improves, But Not For Everyone

The investor class is seeing its profits come back, but the middle class is still struggling as employment only modestly improves, gas prices push $4.00 a gallon by Memorial Day and the Federal government is forced to address its skyrocketing debt.  With the midterm election losses by the Dems, the only fiscal reform bills to be passed will be those that continue to keep the bulk of the tax burden on the middle class while leaving the rich to get richer.  Middle class friendly things like the tax deduction for mortgage interest will be under attack while the income tax rates for the wealthy will remain at their historically low levels.

2) Hannah Montana Gets Naked Pics Leaked on the Net.

As her efforts to break away from the Hannah Montana persona continue, a Sativa stoned Miley Cyrus sends cell phone pictures of herself sans clothing to some older body guard/gigolo she and her friends have been sharing on weekends.  Not being a complete idiot, he sells those photos to some celeb blogging site for $100k. It works out just the way Miley planned when her new album titled "F#ck Mickey" drops two months later and goes platinum. The body guard? He blows the dough on drugs and barely legal girls and eventually lands a gig on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

3) Sarah Palin runs for Senate in AZ 

In what can only be considered a brilliant political move, Sarah Palin relocates to Arizona where she establishes residency and announces her intention to run for Senate in the only place in the country where she might actually be electable.  She will then parlay that job into a Presidential run a la Obama when his second term is complete. 

She makes the move to AZ under the guise of being closer to Bristol Palin who enrolls at Arizona State University.  While there Bristol runs for Student Senate on a platform of abstinence and a campus wide alcohol ban .  She is soundly defeated.

4) Obama Promotes Openly Gay General

In an effort to solidify his political base prior to the up coming elections in 2012, President Obama announces the promotion of an openly gay general to a position with the Joint Chiefs. The republican party responds by announcing that Liza Minelli, Cher, and Ru Paul will be performing at their National Convention.



5) Pizza Rolls Declared Health Food

In a shocking reversal of prior thought, scientists announce that Pizza Rolls are, in fact, the perfect food for human consumption.  This is particularly true when paired with a domestic lager such as Miller or Budweiser. According to the study, some sort of nutritional alchemy occurs when these two things are combined in a meal.  Unfortunately, the study findings are soon called into question when it is revealed that the study was funded by a strange combination of the Association of Food Industries, the World Association of the Alcohol Beverage Industries, and the American Association of Cardiac Care Centers.

Well, those are my predictions for the coming year.  I also predict that the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.  I only do this because when it finally happens, one of these years, I can say that I predicted it.  If any of you are seriously dumb enough to put money on it happening this year, don't blame me; you clearly have a gambling problem.

Have a great 2011 everyone, or at least have a better 2011 than 2010.  That certainly doesn't set the bar too high, does it?