Saturday, January 01, 2011

The Top Five Stories of 2011

For the second year in a row, I am stepping out on to the thin ice.  Unlike the pussies who look back on the previous 12 months and wax poetic as to the best and the worst of the year that was, I look to the year that is coming and tell you what is going to happen before it does. 

You doubt me?  I offer up last year's predictions here.

Okay, not all of them turned out quite the way I said.  What can you expect?  This seer stuff is more of an art than a science. The Cubs didn't win the World Series, Lindsey Lohan didn't O.D. and Amy Winehouse's mole didn't cure cancer.  But the rest of the stuff was pretty spot on.  The economy still sucks, the Dems got their butts kicked in the midterms and health care reform passed and no one was really happy about what they got.

Hindsight may be 20/20, and my foresight was more like 50/50, but at least I had the guts to share what I saw.  So, without further ado, here are my predictions for the Top Stories of 2011.

1) The Economy Improves, But Not For Everyone

The investor class is seeing its profits come back, but the middle class is still struggling as employment only modestly improves, gas prices push $4.00 a gallon by Memorial Day and the Federal government is forced to address its skyrocketing debt.  With the midterm election losses by the Dems, the only fiscal reform bills to be passed will be those that continue to keep the bulk of the tax burden on the middle class while leaving the rich to get richer.  Middle class friendly things like the tax deduction for mortgage interest will be under attack while the income tax rates for the wealthy will remain at their historically low levels.

2) Hannah Montana Gets Naked Pics Leaked on the Net.

As her efforts to break away from the Hannah Montana persona continue, a Sativa stoned Miley Cyrus sends cell phone pictures of herself sans clothing to some older body guard/gigolo she and her friends have been sharing on weekends.  Not being a complete idiot, he sells those photos to some celeb blogging site for $100k. It works out just the way Miley planned when her new album titled "F#ck Mickey" drops two months later and goes platinum. The body guard? He blows the dough on drugs and barely legal girls and eventually lands a gig on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

3) Sarah Palin runs for Senate in AZ 

In what can only be considered a brilliant political move, Sarah Palin relocates to Arizona where she establishes residency and announces her intention to run for Senate in the only place in the country where she might actually be electable.  She will then parlay that job into a Presidential run a la Obama when his second term is complete. 

She makes the move to AZ under the guise of being closer to Bristol Palin who enrolls at Arizona State University.  While there Bristol runs for Student Senate on a platform of abstinence and a campus wide alcohol ban .  She is soundly defeated.

4) Obama Promotes Openly Gay General

In an effort to solidify his political base prior to the up coming elections in 2012, President Obama announces the promotion of an openly gay general to a position with the Joint Chiefs. The republican party responds by announcing that Liza Minelli, Cher, and Ru Paul will be performing at their National Convention.

5) Pizza Rolls Declared Health Food

In a shocking reversal of prior thought, scientists announce that Pizza Rolls are, in fact, the perfect food for human consumption.  This is particularly true when paired with a domestic lager such as Miller or Budweiser. According to the study, some sort of nutritional alchemy occurs when these two things are combined in a meal.  Unfortunately, the study findings are soon called into question when it is revealed that the study was funded by a strange combination of the Association of Food Industries, the World Association of the Alcohol Beverage Industries, and the American Association of Cardiac Care Centers.

Well, those are my predictions for the coming year.  I also predict that the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.  I only do this because when it finally happens, one of these years, I can say that I predicted it.  If any of you are seriously dumb enough to put money on it happening this year, don't blame me; you clearly have a gambling problem.

Have a great 2011 everyone, or at least have a better 2011 than 2010.  That certainly doesn't set the bar too high, does it?

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