Quick Hits: Because Only The Good Die Young, The Rest Live Way Too Long

The Tin Man

Dick Cheney has had five heart attacks since 1978.  I think it is time for people to quit thinking of his heart issues as an illness when it is clearly an effort on his heart's part to sue for divorce. 

I'm not being glib, I'm just calling it like I see it.  Like a pissed off wife before she gets the guts to walk away for good, Dick Cheney's heart is failing to put out.

His body has been forced to go to some electronic pseudo heart to fill the void.  If his electronic "Terminator" heart was made by Halliburton, it probably cost five times what it should, but 95 percent of it was subsidized by taxpayers which is enough to make a money-grubbing, right-wing hypocrite like Cheney feel 200 percent better.

It also comes with a 20mm cannon and a self destruct button, but it won't open a bottle or take a message. Hey, what do you expect from a defense contract?

The Reaper Finally Catches Jack LaLanne

I might be in the youngest demographic that remembers seeing Jack LaLanne on TV.  I am also one of the youngest people you will ever meet who saw Elvis perform live in concert, but that is another story. 

Jack was the definition of clean living and commitment to exercise.  He is credited with opening the very first health club in Oakland in 1936.  And it was just the beginning,  Working out was a religion for Jack and his followers.  As he put it so clearly - at the age of 92:

"Billy Graham was for the hereafter. I'm for the here and now."

Well, thanks to pneumonia, Jack is no longer with us.  But for all my gym rat friends, I want to say thank you for making working out a fun, cool thing to do.  Go get'em Jack... I assume you'll have the saints up at 4am for that first jog through the Pearly Gates. That's good, they look a little soft in all the pictures, I'm sure they could use your help.


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A quick note to the new Chief of Staff

Dear Bill Daley,

Now that Rahm is off to seek your brother's old gig, it only seems fitting that you should take Rahm's.  Just do the rest of us a favor, forget the corporate tuckuses you had to endlessly kiss as Commerce Secretary and concentrate on kicking some Congressional ass.  Be a progressive, not a DLC, ignore the left, corporate cock-sucking centrist.

How?  Protect health care reform, protect Social Security, fight for middle class tax relief and return the tax rates on the rich to the levels they were at when the middle class prospered - the 1950's and 60's.  (Example - 1954 to 1963.  The top tax rate was 91%. )

Taxing the rich is good for the country, tax breaks for the rich are bad. Check out this chart:

Okay Bill, you are an educated man.  When was the Great Depression?  Oh yeah, the market crash was in October of 1929.  I bet if you look at the top marginal tax rates today, they are at just about the same level.  And we just had the grand baby of the Depression, the Great Recession.  Not scientific evidence perhaps, but it clearly indicates that cutting taxes on the wealthy does not cause the economic growth the conservatives claim it does.

Anyway.  Give the President sound guidance, be his bulldog and stiffen his resolve.  We need change and we need his leadership.  Help him provide it.

Thanks Bill and good luck.

The Top Five Stories of 2011

For the second year in a row, I am stepping out on to the thin ice.  Unlike the pussies who look back on the previous 12 months and wax poetic as to the best and the worst of the year that was, I look to the year that is coming and tell you what is going to happen before it does. 

You doubt me?  I offer up last year's predictions here.

Okay, not all of them turned out quite the way I said.  What can you expect?  This seer stuff is more of an art than a science. The Cubs didn't win the World Series, Lindsey Lohan didn't O.D. and Amy Winehouse's mole didn't cure cancer.  But the rest of the stuff was pretty spot on.  The economy still sucks, the Dems got their butts kicked in the midterms and health care reform passed and no one was really happy about what they got.

Hindsight may be 20/20, and my foresight was more like 50/50, but at least I had the guts to share what I saw.  So, without further ado, here are my predictions for the Top Stories of 2011.

1) The Economy Improves, But Not For Everyone

The investor class is seeing its profits come back, but the middle class is still struggling as employment only modestly improves, gas prices push $4.00 a gallon by Memorial Day and the Federal government is forced to address its skyrocketing debt.  With the midterm election losses by the Dems, the only fiscal reform bills to be passed will be those that continue to keep the bulk of the tax burden on the middle class while leaving the rich to get richer.  Middle class friendly things like the tax deduction for mortgage interest will be under attack while the income tax rates for the wealthy will remain at their historically low levels.

2) Hannah Montana Gets Naked Pics Leaked on the Net.

As her efforts to break away from the Hannah Montana persona continue, a Sativa stoned Miley Cyrus sends cell phone pictures of herself sans clothing to some older body guard/gigolo she and her friends have been sharing on weekends.  Not being a complete idiot, he sells those photos to some celeb blogging site for $100k. It works out just the way Miley planned when her new album titled "F#ck Mickey" drops two months later and goes platinum. The body guard? He blows the dough on drugs and barely legal girls and eventually lands a gig on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew.

3) Sarah Palin runs for Senate in AZ 

In what can only be considered a brilliant political move, Sarah Palin relocates to Arizona where she establishes residency and announces her intention to run for Senate in the only place in the country where she might actually be electable.  She will then parlay that job into a Presidential run a la Obama when his second term is complete. 

She makes the move to AZ under the guise of being closer to Bristol Palin who enrolls at Arizona State University.  While there Bristol runs for Student Senate on a platform of abstinence and a campus wide alcohol ban .  She is soundly defeated.

4) Obama Promotes Openly Gay General

In an effort to solidify his political base prior to the up coming elections in 2012, President Obama announces the promotion of an openly gay general to a position with the Joint Chiefs. The republican party responds by announcing that Liza Minelli, Cher, and Ru Paul will be performing at their National Convention.



5) Pizza Rolls Declared Health Food

In a shocking reversal of prior thought, scientists announce that Pizza Rolls are, in fact, the perfect food for human consumption.  This is particularly true when paired with a domestic lager such as Miller or Budweiser. According to the study, some sort of nutritional alchemy occurs when these two things are combined in a meal.  Unfortunately, the study findings are soon called into question when it is revealed that the study was funded by a strange combination of the Association of Food Industries, the World Association of the Alcohol Beverage Industries, and the American Association of Cardiac Care Centers.

Well, those are my predictions for the coming year.  I also predict that the Chicago Cubs will win the World Series.  I only do this because when it finally happens, one of these years, I can say that I predicted it.  If any of you are seriously dumb enough to put money on it happening this year, don't blame me; you clearly have a gambling problem.

Have a great 2011 everyone, or at least have a better 2011 than 2010.  That certainly doesn't set the bar too high, does it?

Don't Ask...

Is it just me or do Karma and Coincidence get together now and then just for the sake of comedy?

I offer up the following: the name of the Admiral who testified the other day before the Senate Armed Services Committee on the repeal of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy...Admiral Roughhead.

If only Dick Armey were still gracing Capitol Hill.

Roughead Sees Little Impact from Don't Ask Repeal

Been Out of Town

But now I'm back.  I'll be posting in a day or so once I get my feet back underneath me.

Happy Labor Day

On this day, let's take just a quick moment to remember the great gifts we all enjoy thanks to the labor movement: the minimum wage, paid vacation, the 40-hour work week, overtime pay, safer working conditions, child labor laws, the eight-hour work day, pensions...and much more.

Happy Labor Day.

I'm an Asshole and even I Wouldn't

So a couple of days ago some idiot sporting a picture of Obama with a Hitler mustache tried to hand me something through my car window.  I told him:

"I respect your right to speak, but what you are saying is fucking stupid. It's a good thing for you we live in a free society."

That was okay, right?

Nostradamus Can Kiss My Butt!

On January 1st, I made my predictions for the coming year.  Yeah, unlike those pussies who look back on the year and declare the "top stories", I actually took a shot at predicting the future. (Top Stories of 2010)

As we are about two thirds the way through the year, let's see how I'm doing.

Prediction One: The Economy Continues to Sputter

I said it then and I say it now, we have done nothing to help build the ever shrinking middle class.  No good jobs means any recovery will be a house of cards.  It doesn't take a Nobel Prize winning economist to know that you need jobs to build a stable, growing economy and right now, we aren't creating jobs. Therefore, in the economic shitter we remain.

Prediction Two: Amy Winehouse Accidentally Discovers Cancer Cure

I predicted that the endless circle of drugs and hospitalizations for Ms. Winehouse would cause her pre-cancerous mole to jump ship and sue for divorce.  Unfortunately, that pharmaceutical parade has slowed to a crawl.  But I'm still holding out hope.  Some dealer somewhere is cooking up a cocktail of heroin, uranium 238 and embalming fluid and you know that Amy is gonna have to have a taste of that shit.

Prediction Three: Cubs Win World Series

You know how you go to the track and drop a quick ten bucks on that 35 to 1 horse that shares it's name with the girl who was kind enough to take your virginity?  You don't do it because you think it's going to pay off, you do it because you'd hate yourself if that horse came in and you hadn't gone to the window.  This prediction is kinda like that.  That horse never wins...and apparently neither do the Cubs who are currently 20 games below .500.

Prediction Four: Health Reform Passes, Nobody Happy (except the insurance industry)

I totally nailed this one.  Out of the damn park, don't forget to touch'em all nailed it.  No public option, mandated coverage, higher rates, Nostradamus wishes he was me.

Prediction Five: Lindsay Lohan Overdoses

I'm giving myself half credit on this one so far.  Jail is pretty close to an OD.  Besides, I still have a few months to go and Lindsay is gonna have a lot of opportunity to take that final step into drug hell.  Just look at that picture, if that isn't a woman looking to score then I'm Paris Hilton.  Seriously, Lindsay, take a little advice.  Quit buying drugs and start buying bras.

Prediction Six: Twitter Declares Bankruptcy

I'm thinking I might have just gotten a little ahead of myself on this one. With Google now giving people free telephone service, it is just a matter of time before all the interactivity of smart phones and other mobile devices makes Twitter into the buggy whip of the digital age.

Prediction Seven: Democrats Lose Seats in House, Senate

Only time will tell, but I'm still feeling pretty good about this one. The President's popularity has taken some hits, the Republicans are doing a good job of stalling any kind of meaningful progress and the "screw'em all" sentiment of the American voter is growing.  The D's are going to take a hit on election day, I just hope it's just a jab and not a hay maker.

New Poll - One in Five Americans is a Moron

May I have your attention please.  I have a short announcement.

President Obama is not Muslim!

Not that it should matter in a country founded on the ideal of religious freedom.  Yeah, that's right you right-wing dick wads, religious freedom.  You do remember the first amendment, the one you cite when protesting gays at the funerals of dead soldiers and when you march in front of abortion clinics with the pictures of dead fetuses on your signs. 

It guarantees that as Americans we can practice our own faith and last time I looked, the President of the United States is an American.  So, who gives a fuck if he's a Muslim.

Oh wait, that's right, I keep forgetting, you're the idiots who don't believe he was born in America.

Never mind, as my nurse friend once said to me, "You can't cure stupid."  And all of you who think the President is a Muslim, are incurable.

CNN - President Obama is a Christian

What Went Wrong?

Whether you are a Republican, Independent or a Democrat, please read this post to the end and play the video.

I have been called a lot of things in my life.  Cynic, fanatic, asshole, idiot, they've all been used to describe me.  And those are tame compared to the things my wife says about me. But what I've never been called is an idealist.  I'm too pragmatic for that, too Machiavellian.  But I truly believe that the fatal bullet fired by Sirhan Sirhan at Robert Kennedy changed the direction of our country. 

It is almost enough to think that a conspiracy has been under foot for decades.  Like all men, John F. Kennedy was flawed.  But he was a man who inspired, a man whose vision of America was uplifting and infectious, he was a man who thought we all had something to contribute.  He asked us to ask of ourselves to "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

His brother Robert was the logical extension of that thought.  Yes, according to JFK, we had an obligation to our country.  But Robert told us how to recognize the difference between wealth and achievement, the difference between economic growth and true prosperity, the difference between the false idol of the rags to riches ideal and the true American promise of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  In other words, he pointed out why those who would  tell us that the single-minded pursuit of profit translates into personal prosperity for you and me are fundamentally wrong.

Please, I ask you, don't let the dream of a better tomorrow die in the hands of those whose cynical pursuit of personal wealth fails to recognize the greater good, the better life, the true promise of America. Listen to the words of Robert Kennedy and ask yourself, what would be a better measure of success, the currect Gross Domestic Product and Dow Jones Indusrial Average, or the things that Robert Kennedy suggests are truly important?



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