Don't Ask...

Is it just me or do Karma and Coincidence get together now and then just for the sake of comedy?

I offer up the following: the name of the Admiral who testified the other day before the Senate Armed Services Committee on the repeal of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy...Admiral Roughhead.

If only Dick Armey were still gracing Capitol Hill.

Roughead Sees Little Impact from Don't Ask Repeal

Been Out of Town

But now I'm back.  I'll be posting in a day or so once I get my feet back underneath me.

Happy Labor Day

On this day, let's take just a quick moment to remember the great gifts we all enjoy thanks to the labor movement: the minimum wage, paid vacation, the 40-hour work week, overtime pay, safer working conditions, child labor laws, the eight-hour work day, pensions...and much more.

Happy Labor Day.

I'm an Asshole and even I Wouldn't

So a couple of days ago some idiot sporting a picture of Obama with a Hitler mustache tried to hand me something through my car window.  I told him:

"I respect your right to speak, but what you are saying is fucking stupid. It's a good thing for you we live in a free society."

That was okay, right?

Nostradamus Can Kiss My Butt!

On January 1st, I made my predictions for the coming year.  Yeah, unlike those pussies who look back on the year and declare the "top stories", I actually took a shot at predicting the future. (Top Stories of 2010)

As we are about two thirds the way through the year, let's see how I'm doing.

Prediction One: The Economy Continues to Sputter

I said it then and I say it now, we have done nothing to help build the ever shrinking middle class.  No good jobs means any recovery will be a house of cards.  It doesn't take a Nobel Prize winning economist to know that you need jobs to build a stable, growing economy and right now, we aren't creating jobs. Therefore, in the economic shitter we remain.

Prediction Two: Amy Winehouse Accidentally Discovers Cancer Cure

I predicted that the endless circle of drugs and hospitalizations for Ms. Winehouse would cause her pre-cancerous mole to jump ship and sue for divorce.  Unfortunately, that pharmaceutical parade has slowed to a crawl.  But I'm still holding out hope.  Some dealer somewhere is cooking up a cocktail of heroin, uranium 238 and embalming fluid and you know that Amy is gonna have to have a taste of that shit.

Prediction Three: Cubs Win World Series

You know how you go to the track and drop a quick ten bucks on that 35 to 1 horse that shares it's name with the girl who was kind enough to take your virginity?  You don't do it because you think it's going to pay off, you do it because you'd hate yourself if that horse came in and you hadn't gone to the window.  This prediction is kinda like that.  That horse never wins...and apparently neither do the Cubs who are currently 20 games below .500.

Prediction Four: Health Reform Passes, Nobody Happy (except the insurance industry)

I totally nailed this one.  Out of the damn park, don't forget to touch'em all nailed it.  No public option, mandated coverage, higher rates, Nostradamus wishes he was me.

Prediction Five: Lindsay Lohan Overdoses

I'm giving myself half credit on this one so far.  Jail is pretty close to an OD.  Besides, I still have a few months to go and Lindsay is gonna have a lot of opportunity to take that final step into drug hell.  Just look at that picture, if that isn't a woman looking to score then I'm Paris Hilton.  Seriously, Lindsay, take a little advice.  Quit buying drugs and start buying bras.

Prediction Six: Twitter Declares Bankruptcy

I'm thinking I might have just gotten a little ahead of myself on this one. With Google now giving people free telephone service, it is just a matter of time before all the interactivity of smart phones and other mobile devices makes Twitter into the buggy whip of the digital age.

Prediction Seven: Democrats Lose Seats in House, Senate

Only time will tell, but I'm still feeling pretty good about this one. The President's popularity has taken some hits, the Republicans are doing a good job of stalling any kind of meaningful progress and the "screw'em all" sentiment of the American voter is growing.  The D's are going to take a hit on election day, I just hope it's just a jab and not a hay maker.

New Poll - One in Five Americans is a Moron

May I have your attention please.  I have a short announcement.

President Obama is not Muslim!

Not that it should matter in a country founded on the ideal of religious freedom.  Yeah, that's right you right-wing dick wads, religious freedom.  You do remember the first amendment, the one you cite when protesting gays at the funerals of dead soldiers and when you march in front of abortion clinics with the pictures of dead fetuses on your signs. 

It guarantees that as Americans we can practice our own faith and last time I looked, the President of the United States is an American.  So, who gives a fuck if he's a Muslim.

Oh wait, that's right, I keep forgetting, you're the idiots who don't believe he was born in America.

Never mind, as my nurse friend once said to me, "You can't cure stupid."  And all of you who think the President is a Muslim, are incurable.

CNN - President Obama is a Christian

What Went Wrong?

Whether you are a Republican, Independent or a Democrat, please read this post to the end and play the video.

I have been called a lot of things in my life.  Cynic, fanatic, asshole, idiot, they've all been used to describe me.  And those are tame compared to the things my wife says about me. But what I've never been called is an idealist.  I'm too pragmatic for that, too Machiavellian.  But I truly believe that the fatal bullet fired by Sirhan Sirhan at Robert Kennedy changed the direction of our country. 

It is almost enough to think that a conspiracy has been under foot for decades.  Like all men, John F. Kennedy was flawed.  But he was a man who inspired, a man whose vision of America was uplifting and infectious, he was a man who thought we all had something to contribute.  He asked us to ask of ourselves to "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

His brother Robert was the logical extension of that thought.  Yes, according to JFK, we had an obligation to our country.  But Robert told us how to recognize the difference between wealth and achievement, the difference between economic growth and true prosperity, the difference between the false idol of the rags to riches ideal and the true American promise of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  In other words, he pointed out why those who would  tell us that the single-minded pursuit of profit translates into personal prosperity for you and me are fundamentally wrong.

Please, I ask you, don't let the dream of a better tomorrow die in the hands of those whose cynical pursuit of personal wealth fails to recognize the greater good, the better life, the true promise of America. Listen to the words of Robert Kennedy and ask yourself, what would be a better measure of success, the currect Gross Domestic Product and Dow Jones Indusrial Average, or the things that Robert Kennedy suggests are truly important?



Text of the good part...

Religion and Government Don't Mix

Top Five Baseball Movies

My wife and I are fond of baseball movies.  In fact, I think we've seen nearly every major baseball movie ever made.  From the mind numbingly stupid (and yet very funny) Benchwarmers to the sad and depressing Bang The Drum Slowly we've seen the best and the worst of what Hollywood has to offer when it comes to America's Pastime.

With that in mind, I hope you will accept this, my top five best baseball movies of all time.  While you read, please feel free to enjoy this excellent clip of Dave Brubeck playing the timeless jazz classic Take Five.

Number Five: The Natural - While this movie is a bit over the top, if the top is Mount Everest, it is beautiful.  It looks like the fairy tale that baseball is for America. From the slow motion footage of the lights exploding to the great exteriors, this is a wonderful movie to see.  And as my wife points out, the best baseball movies are about hope and redemption and this film is the all that wrapped in some spectacular cinematography. And if you ever needed something to remind you that here in America, we'll root for the underdog, just watch this movie.

Number Four: A League of Their Own - "There's no crying in baseball."  If only for that classic quote, it makes my list.  I can't tell you the number of times I've used that line with my nine-year-old's softball team. 

But it's not just that one line, Tom Hanks is awesome in this film about the professional women's baseball leagues that existed during WWII. He is funny, smart, and he gives a wonderful performance. Now, despite the fact that it also has both Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell in it, it is well acted all around. It captures the struggles America had with the changing roles of women as men went off to war.  It is Rosie the Riveter in cleats and well worth two hours of your time.

Number Three: Bull Durham - One of two Kevin Costner films on the list, Bull Durham is a great portrait of how minor league baseball truly is a religion for small town America.  As a guy who grew up on minor league ball, the last career gasps of Crash Davis as he tries teach Ebby Calvin "Nuke" La Loosh what it means to be a big league ball player is a great tutorial for anyone who wants to know what baseball is all about. To this day, I use the line "million dollar arm, ten cent head" in day-to-day conversation. And it might be the last time that Susan Sarandon was truly hot on film.

Number Two: Field of Dreams - Depending on who you ask, this is either a pretentious, self-indulgent movie filled with ham handed imagery or it is the best baseball movie ever made. My wife would fall in the later camp.  She would even put this movie in the top five movies of all time. As she puts it, "[Field of Dreams is a]combination of baseball, relationships, magic, hope and love. Those things we all want to believe in. Most importantly, it's a movie about second chances." She's right and mostly I agree with her, but today, for my money, this movie falls just short of my number one baseball movie of all-time.

Number One: The Sandlot - There are many people who will call me crazy, but this is a wonderful baseball movie.  In fact, it is likely a better baseball movie than it is a movie.  A brainy, mildly geeky kid moves to a new town with his mom and step-father and struggles to make friends until a local sandlot baseball player champions his inclusion with the rest of the kids.  A fat catcher with great one liners, a geeky kid with a taste for the ladies, a monstrous beast who eats baseballs and an autograph of Babe Ruth all come together in a great story that reflects not just a love for the game, but the innocent time when people like me fell in love with it.

Other than the language of 12 year-old boys, it is a movie that is safe for the whole family and it gives you a sense of longing for the simplicity of childhood when a baseball, some gloves, a bat and a sandlot were all it took to make not only a lifetime of special memories, but also a hero.

For Honorable Mention, throw in Major League, Eight Men Out and The Rookie.  All good baseball movies that are worth a rental.  In fact, the Rookie makes Carolyn's Top Five list.  I liked it, but there is only room for five and tough choices had to be made. 

Since I mentioned it, here is Carolyn's top five list.  I can't argue with any of her choices, heck, they are the same as mine except The Rookie and A League of Their Own.  The only other difference is the order.
Carolyn's Top Five Baseball Movies:

5) The Rookie
4) The Sandlot
3) The Natural
2) Bull Durham
1) Field of Dreams

In any order, watch'em all, you won't be disappointed in any of these films featuring the boys of summer. And as a Cubs fan, I think I'll watch them on an endless loop through October.  I think that's the only way to keep my love for the game from being tainted by the massive craps they've been taking on the field at Wrigley and around the rest of the NL.

Guilty Pleasures - Part II

About a year and a half ago, I fessed up to some guilty pleasures. Looking back, they all still apply although some are harder to enjoy these days. (Unfortunately, no TV exec. has realized the complete genius of Celebrity Poker Showdown and brought it back for those of us who truly appreciated its pure entertainment value.)

But since it's been so long, I figured it was time to update the list.  So for my public confession, I offer up the following list of guilty pleasures.

MythBusters

Is it a silly show?  Yes.  Is it a teenage boy's dream to get a job where you get paid to build stuff and then blow it up/shoot it off/throw it out of a helicopter? Yes.  Will I ever grow up? No. 

Listen, I still think fart jokes are funny and a show where they build the Captain Kirk Gorn Cannon and test it is awesome.  The fact that they film it with a super high speed camera makes it even better.

And to set the record straight - Kari Byron has nothing to do with my having seen nearly every episode. Really. Cute, funny redheads who like to blow things up aren't in the least bit attractive.

Hamm's Beer

I guess when you spend your summers as young man in the "land of sky blue waters" you are bound to pick up a few things. A love of water skiing, an affinity for fishing and a taste for Hamm's beer. Is it great beer?  Not even close.  It is your typical American lager, the butt of the famous joke, "Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? Because it's fucking close to water."

But when you grow up sneaking them out of your uncle's cooler on a warm summer night with the cool breeze off the lake carrying the sounds of loons calling and small mouth bass jumping, it's more about the memory than the taste.

Twister

Not the game, the movie.  Starring Bill Paxton, Helen Hunt, Gary Elwes, Jami Gertz and Philip Seymore Hoffman, this action flick based on tornado chasing researchers is a tad predictable and formulaic. Okay, it's very predictable and formulaic. But I have always wanted to chase tornadoes, it looks like fun.  And when you add in a love interest, an underdog versus the well-funded competition and cheesy dialog, it is a much watch on a lazy Saturday afternoon. 

The best part is that it has been on heavy rotation for the past couple of years.  Just like Independence Day a few years ago, it seems to be on once every couple of weeks and always worth watching.  Well, at least the first couple of reels.  The ending is so over the top that even I have a little gag response, but not enough to make me switch channels.

Well, that's enough embarrassment for now.  Now it's time for you to tell me your guilty pleasures. You'll feel better once you confess, I promise.  I know I will feel better once you confess and since this is my blog, it's really all about me.

The Economic Shitter

Housing sales?  Down.  Factory Orders? Down. Housing permits? Down. Jobs? Not enough. Unemployment benefits? Running out, again.

On behalf of all of middle income America, I'd like to thank all of you idiots who voted for Bush the second time and put us in this crap position. 

And when this turns into a double dip recession, I want you to remember that it could have been a global depression had it not been for the swift and sage leadership of President Obama.

I just hope he has the guts to go all Roosevelt on us when the shit hits the fan again.

NBC News report on the crappy economic numbers

Happy Fourth of July -- I wonder if we can afford sparklers...

White Collar vs Blue Collar (Guess who's getting screwed.)

I offer you two pieces of information. 

Number one: In 2009, the number of millionaires in the U.S. grew by 15 percent to 4.7 million people. The total estimated population of the U.S. in 2009 was 305,529,237 people meaning that about 1.5 percent of the U.S. population were millionaires. 

Now are you ready for the kick in the balls?

That rich ass 1.5 percent of the U.S. population holds 55 percent of the wealth. That's right, half of U.S. wealth is in the possession of 1.5 percent of the people. And the rich got richer last year in the final year of an epic recession while the rest of us were putting off retirement and drinking off brand sodas.

I'm no Commie, but those numbers tell me one thing; we have forgotten what has made us great as an economic power, a vibrant and healthy middle class.

Now for information nugget number two: The suits at General Motors have forbidden their employees to use the term "Chevy" when referring to a Chevrolet.  They have gone so far as to have "swear jars" where worker violators are expected to place 25 cents every time they say the forbidden word.

The middle class is disappearing right before our eyes and auto workers are being told that they can't say Chevy. 

Honestly, I don't know what has happened to my America, but I don't like it.  The people who say Chevy are the people who built this country.  They did it as part of a deal.  Give me a good living wage, and I'll give you an honest day's work building a future for both my country and my family.

The cherry on this shit sundae?  While the number of millionaires rose 15 percent, U.S. wages in 2009 rose just 1.8 percent, the smallest increase since they started keeping track.

It isn't just an old adage to say "the rich get richer", it is the reality in America.

The $5,000 Dollar Cat

I'm not really a cat person.  We have a cat, and it's a nice cat, but it's still a cat.  A friend of mine has a cat and I have to say, I think she's really a cat person because she just dropped 5 large on urinary track surgery and other treatments to keep her cat alive.

That's right, 5 grand. 

Hey, it's her money and if she wants to spend it keeping an aging cat around for a few more years, then bully for her.  But that ain't happening in my house.

I guess it's a good thing our cat can't read or she might be looking for a kitty divorce before it's too late.

Successful Chubby Chasing Has Basis in Science (And it's our fault...)

It's true...heavy girls are more likely to put out.

According to a new study:

Overweight girls are more likely to start having sex early, to have multiple partners during their teen years, and to eschew condoms compared to thinner teens, a new study shows. And the situation worsens as the number of excess pounds goes up.

While it's true that heavy girls tend to enter puberty sooner, the obvious reason for this behavior is low self-esteem and the study author concurs.  Heavy girls don't feel good about themselves and can seek outside affirmation in the form of sex.

But why do they feel so crummy about themselves?  Because they believe the horse shit that society spews about how skinny girls are pretty and heavy girls aren't.  Every time someone buys a copy of Vogue, Cosmopolitan or any of those other advertorial woman's rags that pack product pitches around "articles" full of diet tips and 101 ways to better orgasms they are just giving their money to the very people who are screwing up our young girls.

Personally, I think the best thing that women could do for each other is boycott those mind warping shit mags. They provide little or no value to society and do a lot to promote an unhealthy self image in young and older woman alike.

And people say porn is demeaning to women...

MSNBC: Heavy Girls have Sex Earlier

On a personal note, both my wife and I think Sara Ramirez is sexy hot and I don't think anyone would ever call her skinny.

In the Style of Larry King…

I’m just wondering. With their new law targeting illegal immigrants, will there be a big uptick in traffic arrests for DWC (Driving While Canadian) in Arizona? Somehow I doubt it.

The world doesn't care if Justice Scalia “eats at the Y” on his off time, why does it matter if Elena Kagan does?

Transocean, the rig owner for the Gulf oil spill site, has a liability cap that limits the amount of money that they can be sued for. Can I have a liability cap so I can ignore safety regulations, pour oil into Lake Michigan, and have 11 people die because of my negligence without fear of having to really pay for it?

A 16 year-old girl sailed around the world – solo. Most kids won’t walk around the block without complaining.

A picture of Kim Kardashian without make up news isn't news. Do people really believe that she would look the same? That's why they call it "make-up." Kim Kardashian poses without makeup

The Supreme Court has ruled that the “sexually dangerous” can be kept in jail even after their sentences are up. But what about the sexually oogie? I’m looking at you Hugh Hefner and Larry King. Even the mental image of those guys doing it is a public menance.

Speaking of sexually oogie…

Quote of the week:

"There was no doubt about what he wanted, the randy old thing," the woman told local papers. "I turned around and saw this big kangaroo behind me, so I hastened my steps," she said.

The woman said the obviously aroused animal bounded off when other walkers approached and she sought to escape.

Amorous Aussie roo has outback residents hopping


Headline of the Week: Have retailers stopped selling used lingerie?

Now that’s a reporter with a real nose for news.

Long Time, No See...Really, Don't See It

I've been gone.

(And now, playing the role of Captain Obvious is The T-Dude.)

It isn't that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that I've been too tired, too distracted, too occupied to take the time to write them down.

I was missing a muse. I had nothing to inspire me to write. It was, in many ways, just the same old shit on a brand new day after day after day...

And then I saw Oceans, the new aquatic offering from Disney films, brought to theaters just in time for Earth Day. Now, suddenly, I was inspired. All those wonderful pictures of dolphins and whales and cuttlefish inspired me to write the first sentence I wanted to write in weeks. It formed in my mind as the film unfolded before me, it was as if I actually saw the words on the screen:

"Don't see Oceans! Like sea water from a whale's head, it BLOWS! And not just once, but over and over again for the entire life of the film."

Almost poetry, really.

Here is where the movie went wrong...it began. Then it got worse, Pierce Brosnan's voice began narrating. Well, sort of. It began as a dramatic reading trying to describe what it means to encounter and KNOW the ocean. There was an all-American boy on a beach dune, wind in his hair, a faraway look in his eager for discovery eyes. In his defense, Pierce didn't write the crap he said. And I suppose one could almost forgive the overly dramatic delivery as an attempt to cover up the utter shit he was being asked to regurgitate.

("The popcorn may have been a mistake," I think to myself as the nausea builds.)

Then the footage starts. It's pretty to look at. Lots of fish, cool creatures, coral etc. And as the film rolls, we are occasionally subjected to VERY PROFOUND AND POETIC descriptions that tell us what we are watching is special. None of it actually teaches us anything, it just fills the auditory space with pretty words that seem to exist only to let us know that what we are seeing is special.

And that's the whole movie. Pretty film interrupted by over written blather in a British accent that adds nothing to the film.

Now I saw this movie with two girls, ages nine and ten. They liked it. They didn't love it, but moving pictures of dolphins make girls that age happy. For the rest of us, we require a bit more. Like some substance.

Bottom line: If you have the need to eat movie popcorn or for two hours of distraction for the kids, go ahead and catch this at the before 2pm discount show, but don't expect much because there isn't much there.

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!

Family Values: Part 256

An examination of the RNC's March expenditures has revealed an interesting charge for nearly $2,000 to a club called Voyeur in West Hollywood.  This establishment is described by the website Club Planet like this:

Of course no high-end establishment with high-end backers would come right out and call itself a sex club...but, there's a guest list, the female employees disrobe, pornographic pictures double as wallpaper, and patrons are advised to be "uninhibited" in the photo booth.

Now regular readers of this blog know that I really don't care what people do.  If you're into bumping uglies with bikini clad truckers dressed as chipmonks, then hey, go for it. But if you are going to be the political party who tells the country to vote for them because they stand for moral decency and family values, then dropping two large at an upscale sex club is one thing and one thing only: hypocrisy.

I suppose it could be worse, I suppose it could be random sexual encounters with strangers in airport restrooms or getting caught with your name in a DC madam's little black book.

Oh wait...

Risqué Business

Lesbians- 1 / Uptight Southern Bigots - 0

In that town in Mississippi where the school board decided they would rather cancel this year's prom than let a lesbian student take her girl friend, a court ruled that her First Amendment rights were violated.

Yeah, I know. DUH.

But the court did not order the school to hold the prom.  In some sense, this might be best.  When this girl decides to sue the shit out of the school, she has the perfect situation. She has a court ruling and no prom.  That sounds like a jury ordered college fund to me.

Oh, and the kicker?  She also has a written memo.

"At the center of the lawsuit is a February 5 memorandum from the school to students that said prom dates must be of the opposite sex.

"Superintendent Teresa McNeece also told McMillen that she and her girlfriend could be ejected from the prom if other students complained about their presence, according to the documents."

Of course, this is Mississippi.  They don't let girls dance with girls, who the hell knows what a jury will do.

Judge: School violated lesbian's rights

Quick Hits: Now with Lesbians Getting Screwed

Prom Night

From CBS:  "Senior Constance McMillen, 18, was ready for the prom. She even had a date. But the problem at Itawamba County Agricultural High School, says Strassmann, was her sophomore -- girlfriend."


So what did the high school do?  They cancelled prom.  Now this girl's school mates are pissed at her because they blame her for the prom getting cancelled. 

Is this 1940? They'd rather cancel the dance and screw all the kids than let two girls go together as a couple.

We'll just slide this one in at number 22 on the long list of reasons I could never live in the south.

CBS: Southern School Cancels Prom to Prevent Same Sex Date.

Drummed Out of the Air Force by the Local Fuzz

Rapid City, SD police outed a lesbian Air Force sergeant to the military resulting in her getting discharged.

The cops were looking to arrest Sgt Jene Newsome's wife on an Alaskan warrent for theft. Sgt. Newsome didn't give the police the level of cooperation they were looking for, so they told the Air Force base command that the Sgt was married...to a woman. 

"Police officers, who said they spotted the marriage license on the kitchen table through a window of Newsome's home, alerted the base, police Chief Steve Allender said in a statement sent to the AP. The license was relevant to the investigation because it showed both the relationship and residency of the two women, he said."

Saw it through a window? It was just sitting on the table? I know that's where I keep mine, right next to the salt and pepper shaker.

I call "bullshit" on this one.  They were pissed that the lesbian wasn't helping them so they screwed her over with the military. I hope the ACLU really porks these cops in court.

MSNBC: Cops out lesbian to military

I be Judge, I be Jury, said cunning old Fury...

Today, I, The T-Dude have been summoned by my county to sit in a room all day waiting to be called for a jury.

You would think they'd know better.

I can't decide, am I Henry Fonda in Twelve Angry Men or John Cusak in Runaway Jury?

Well, seeing as how I'm just as likely to make a snap decision as the next guy and I don't have a secret in my past that would make me want to publicly screw a jury consultant, I guess I'll just have to be me.

Maybe I'll just do my Fonda impression all day for the fun of it...

My new addiction...Curling

That's right, Women's Curling. You know, the sport with the brooms and the rocks and the ice.  Shuffle board of the north.  Canadian Bocce Ball.  Whatever you want to call it, I love it.

Now, I would have a hard time calling it a true sport.  I have always argued that any "athletic" activity that can be performed while drinking a Bud longneck and smoking a Camel straight isn't a sport, it's really a past time. In this category I include: bowling, golf, and for certain trailer park residents, sex.

But I loved watching curling during the Olympics.  It was more interesting that cross country skiing, less subjective than figure skating, and frankly, it was both engaging and relaxing at the same time.

Okay... and the women are kinda hot.  There, I said it.  I've always had a thing for female athletes.  In high school, I was more likely to date a girl on the basketball team than on the cheerleading squad.  Oh, I dated both, but I always preferred the jockish girls to the spankies and megaphone crowd.

To make my point, my wife and I watched "Bend It Like Beckham" together and she looked at me and said, "This is like soft-core porn for you, isn't it." 

Yeah...kinda.

So I guess what I'm saying is, curling is just like soft-core porn.  Both engaging and oddly relaxing all at the same time.

To help prove my point, the young woman pictured here is a member of the Swiss Olympic Curling team. Her name is Carmen Schäfer.  She had a great Olympics, much better than the Swiss skipper, Miriam Ott who really spit the bit after having the hammer in the final end against the Canadians only to fail to keep the rock in the house.

(I even like the lingo!)

Oh...and to prove my point on the soft-core porn thing, here is another picture of Ms. Schäfer.

When are the next Winter Olympics?  I just want to make sure I clear my calendar.

Snot

I have a head cold.

Not that you give a rat's ass, but I thought I'd share.

Been Gone

I've been gone, but I'll write in the next day or so.

Of Life, Empathy and Avian Death

I have to change my profile.

People who know me know that little things like this are exactly the things that I just can't seem to get excited about doing.  But it needs to be done.  You see, the house in which I live no longer contains all of the "things" listed in my profile.  We are now without the parakeet.

It wasn't much of a surprise, at least to my wife and me.  The bird had been pretty unsteady for several months, but a couple of days ago, it was clear that the unsteadiness had moved into something more serious.  Frankly, I wasn't about to drop several hundred dollars in vet bills to try and prolong the life of an aged parakeet, but luckily, the end came quickly.

On the unfortunate side of the coin, over the last six months, my youngest daughter had taken a real shine to the bird.  She was bathing her, feeding her, petting her little head and speaking to her in those soothing tones that only a nine year-old girl with nothing but innocence and caring can utter.  More than once she said to me, "Daddy, I feel sorry for Hedwig. She has to stay in that cage all the time.  That's why I try and play with her every day."

That is a pithy example of my youngest.  She feels for everything and everyone.  She felt sorry for the bird because she lived in a cage.  She feels sorry for the first grader with whom she has taken to playing with at recess because the other kids don't seem to like him very much.  As she said to me, "His glasses are taped together Dad.  I don't think his parents can afford a new pair. And he wanted to play with us so I said sure, but my friends didn't want him to."

So, my daughter played with him, and let her friends do what they wanted.

The morning that Hedwig passed, my daughter woke up early.  It was Saturday and she had an indoor soccer game, but she was still up really early.  In fact, she came into our room around five with tears in her eyes and woke my wife with the phrase, "Mommy, Hedwig's dying."

I rolled out of bed and came downstairs with her.  Sure enough, Hedwig was dying.  I held my daughter in my arms and tried to find the words to make the inevitable a little easier. They weren't the right ones, there aren't any right ones for someone who feels life the way she does. But being the empathetic being that she is, she let me believe that what I said made her feel a little better.

We had some breakfast, got her soccer stuff on and off we all went to the soccer game.  Afterward the game, my youngest got invited over to the house of one of her teammates for a play date and so she went home with her.  My wife, my oldest daughter and I went home.

After we went inside the house, my wife walked into the kitchen and I started to peel off my shoes and coat.  She came back immediately with a sad look in her eyes.

"Hedwig's dead," she said with a quiver in her voice.

As the tears welled up in her eyes, I knew that half of them were for Hedwig and the other half were for my youngest whose heart was surely going to break when she heard the news. After a prolonged hug, we decided the best thing we could do is straighten up the scene a bit.

I searched the house for an appropriate container for Hedwig.  My oldest daughter had a lovely box that once contained the perfume her homecoming date had given her.  It was just parakeet size.  It was black and white and contained curly-cue paper shavings that would delicately hold the remains of Hedwig.  I then took a clipping of material from the Harry Potter print fabic we used in the evenings to cover the cage. I placed it over the bird's body as if it was sleeping and slowly closed the lid.

At some point, several months ago, my youngest made a name plate for the bird from those plastic rings that you put on a pegged grid and then iron.  I took the Hedwig sign and propped it up against the box on the dining room table.  And then we waited.

She finally came home around five that afternoon.  After the usual thank yous were exchanged and the other mom and kid left, my wife pulled my youngest next to her on the love seat and said "B_____. I have to tell you something.."

With the words, "Hedwig died," my youngest started to cry. But they weren't the standard sobs of a child.  They were the mature tears of a soul who FEELS, a soul for whom the passing of a bird had meaning past a mere change in routine or scenery. But she also knew that the time had come for Hedwig.  She understood that her passing was a day that was always going to come  But that inevitability was cold comfort for someone has caring as my youngest.

As a parent, I am both thrilled and afraid for my daughter.  I am thrilled because the ability to care for others with such sincerity is a gift.  But it is also a gift that will break her heart over and over again throughout her life. But I know that if we all could have just a piece of that gift, the world would be a much better place.  We would all be more forgiving, more caring and more likely to do the things that we know we should for each other but often choose not to because they are hard or inconvenient.

Listen, she not a saint. She gets angry, she fights with her sister over stupid stuff and she's been known to ignore the voice of her parents when she knows they are about to ask her to do something she doesn't want to do.  But when it comes to her default setting for people and animals, it is to be caring.  It is to be accepting. And it is to be empathetic in both feelings and actions.

If only the rest of us could find those traits in our own hearts as well. Hedwig, you will be missed, and I won't forget the lesson that you and my youngest have taught me.

Election Night

I love election night.  But tonight, I'm a total loser.  Everyone I voted for, short of water reclaimation district is a loser. Maybe I should have picked up the Republican ballot instead.

Supremely Gangbanged

Justices Roberts, Scalia, Thomas, Kennedy and Alito just gangbanged you. Don't feel too special because they pulled a train on all of us. That's right, they bent us over the Constitution of the United States and rammed it home while demanding we say they their names.
What? You didn't notice? Didn't feel a thing? I'm not surprised. Everyone knows if you spend too much time shilling for the conservative right, your twig and berries start to shrink from misuse and shame. That's right, if you spend too much time talking right wing dogma, your dick takes a powder. Don't believe me? Watch golf tournaments.

That's right, golf tournaments. Marketing is all about getting the right message in front of the right demographic and if you watch enough golf, you'll see every ad for every erectile dysfunction drug made today. (Well, that and luxury car ads, but we all know that big fancy cars are nothing more than symbolic penis extenders so it's the same thing really.) Who watches golf? Rich, chubby white guys. How would you describe the likes of Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh?

I rest my case. Conservatism leads to little dick syndrome. It's all very scientific.

Anyway, these limp tiny dicks got aroused the only way they know how, by buggering the average Joe and trust me when I tell you, we all got fucked.

A couple of days ago, the court ruled in a 5-4 decision in favor of Citizens United in their suit against the Federal Election Commission. The Court found that corporate funding of independent political broadcasts in candidate elections cannot be limited, because doing so would be in noncompliance with the First Amendment.

What's that mean for you and me besides a sore bunghole? It means that as far as the court is concerned, corporations have the same right to free speech as a person. That's right, the court believes that the founding fathers intended for the inalienable right to free speech guarenteed to every person under the Constitution be extended to Exxon, GE, British Petroleum, AIG and Blue Cross Blue Shield. That right is so complete that those corporations can spend as much money as they want on television, radio and print ads to get their candidate of choice elected.

Nearly unlimited financial support for their candidate, their guy on the Hill or in the White House. And the middle class? Those of us who don't have unlimited funds? Oh, we can still shout and yell while staring Justice Thomas's shriveled member in its one eye, but how is anyone going to hear us while the corporations who got the conservatives elected who appointed and confirmed Justice Roberts and his gang of pin dicks are saturating the airwaves with their message of profits over people?

I don't think anyone who penned the phrase "We the people of the United States in order to form a more perfect union..." intended for the political discourse of our democracy to be dominated by the money of faceless, profit-driven corporations. But those same corporations have certainly gotten their money's worth so far, and now the few restraints on them have been lifted.

I hope you enjoyed your Supreme screwing, because now we're all buns up kneeling and there is nothing stop them from truly taking advantage of us now.

Supreme Court’s campaign ruling: a bad day for democracy

Wow...I thought I was pushing it.

I said he was going to hell, this guy says he owns the place!

Pat Robertson Cartoon

Pat Robertson will Rot in Hell

If you believe in hell and find yourself there after you pass, say a big "Howdy!" to Pat Robertson. This self-righteous, self-promoting false prophet just earned a fast pass for entrance on the Fire and Brimstone Roller Coaster in the Hades amusement park.

This jerk actually told the world that the reason the Haitian people had been struck by this terrible tragedy was because they had made a deal with the devil to throw the French out of the country decades ago. He even said, with a straight face, that the earthquake might be a blessing in disguise that will allow the Haitian’s to rebuild their country.

Seriously? When tornados ransack trailer parks full of southern white trash, is it because they made a deal with the devil to keep themselves awash is whiskey and ignorance? Is it an opportunity for those who are spared to build McMansions? Is it Pat?

The truth of the matter is, you aren’t a messenger of God, you are the face of a multi-billion dollar business and this provided you a perfect opportunity to appeal to the idiots who keep shucksters like you in business. It gave you a little of everything, didn’t it Pat. Black people, foreigners, and a calamity of biblical proportions were all you needed to make sure that the fanatics who have helped you get rich reach just a little deeper in their pockets.

You deal in fear and divisiveness. You are the merchant of the very values that Satan would find most admirable. And when the time comes for your great reward, I hope the Devil himself is the presenter.

If you want to see what Pat “Death Makes Me Richer” Robertson had to say, click here:

Video: Pat Robertson Says The Haitians made a deal with the devil

Quick Hits: Now with Health Benefits

Birds do it, Bees do it -- No wonder they look so healthy!

According to Elizabeth Cohen, a health reporter for whom I have a lot of respect, sex is good for you.  In fact, having more sex is the New Year's Resolution you should make.  Women have less pronouced symptoms of menopause and lower risk for breast cancer, men live longer and have a lower risk of prostate cancer.  It also burns calories and is good for your heart.

So don't listen to those wack jobs who say sex is only for procreation.  It is actually an important part of any overall fitness plan.  I can just see it now, come to Bally's Fitness Center and Brothel! I see a lot of strained groins in their future.

CNN: Sex Health Benefits

New Blog to Follow!

I don't remember how I stumbled across Candice, but I'm glad I did.  In a word, she's funny.  And if you're anything like me, you need the funny now and then.  So swing over to her place and see the world through her eyes. Read about cat fights in the mall, corn cob fellatio and why letting your kids repeatedly injure themselves is actually a parenting technique.  On top of it all, she's a nurse so you can hear the occational moron patient story, the latest involving the gift that keeps on giving.  Stop by and say howdy to Candice, you'll be glad you did.  Tell her The T-Dude sent ya!

Life According to Candice

Turd Germs Invade Fountain Soda

Ewwww! A study found coliform bacteria in 48 percent of the sodas that were sampled. Turd germs in my cola?  Gross.  But that begs the question, how the hell did turd germs get in them in the first place?  What exactly are those fast food workers doing with those machines? Are they giving them rim jobs?  Are they washing them with toilet water?  Either way...I think I'll stick with bottled water.

Soda Machines Harbor Fecal Bacteria

Top Stories of 2010

The Intertubes are filled with lists this time of year, particularly since this is the end of the decade.  Top 100 this, top ten that.  But here at the T-Dude, we think those folks are all pussies.  That's right, pussies.  Anyone can throw together a list of things that have already happened.  But it takes a pair to put up a list of what is yet to come.  That's right, I, the T-Dude will now predict some of the top news events of 2010.

1) The Economy Continues to Sputter
Jobs continue to be the problem. The bailout did its job and stabilized the credit markets and saved the speculators and gambling houses (AIG and the like), but it did nothing to solve the basic problem of the U.S. economy.  We don't make anything anymore, including good middle class jobs. Weak job market and weak wages = weak demand which equals uneven economic growth in the short term. So get ready for another year of economic struggles for the average American.

2) Amy Winehouse Accidently Discovers Cancer Cure
The walking pharmacy that is Amy Winehouse lands in the hospital yet again, this time for overdosing on radioactive heroin, cocaine and embalming fluid.  While in the ICU, the precancerous mole on her cheek suddenly falls off and is discovered cowering in the corner of her room begging for mercy.  Further research discovers the strange combination of drugs the Winehouse was taking is actually a powerful skin cancer cure. But no one tells her and the doctors treating her make millions while she works feverishly to avoid both rehab and jail. 

3) Cubs Win World Series
Hang on....hahahahaha....heeeheeee....{gasp} ....oh man....I kill me sometimes.

4) Health Reform Passes, Nobody Happy (except the insurance industry)
There is no real public option, there is a mandate that everyone has to carry health insurance and the only downside for the insurance companies is that they no longer get to kick out the sick people with pre-existing conditions. But they just raise rates on the healthy folks and continue to pocket their outrageous profits for doing nothing other than being a middle man between you and your doctor.


5) Lindsay Lohan Overdoses
Okay, that isn't much of a prediction. But you have to let me have at least one gimme. She has already done the Marilyn Monroe look-a-like photo shoots, it's just a matter of time before she goes the full nine yards.

6) Twitter Declares Bankruptcy
After a meteoric rise, Twitter succumbs to the pressure from Facebook and other networking sites and closes its doors.  The once amazing networking tool couldn't compete with the accessibility and versatility of the new Internet enabled phones that gave Facebook and others a huge functionality advantage. 

7) Democrats Lose Seats in House, Senate
Let's face it, the economy is still sputtering, the Dems haven't exactly embodied the change they campaigned on, health care reform came in with a roar but passed as just a whimper of its initial promise. The D's are going to be given one of those message elections. Sen. Harry Reid in Nevada gets the boot as does Christopher Dodd in Connecticut. Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand was appointed to Hillary Clinton's seat in New York so anything could happen in that race.

On the House side, I have no specific predictions yet, but the sliding approval rating of President Obama is an ominous sign for House Dems in mixed or right leaning districts.

If any of you, my fair readers, have any predictions of your own, put them in the comments section.  In the meantime, have a great 2010.  I know I'm looking forward to it.